@mr_goose007 thank you so much for the trophy, Goosey! I'll use it as an ashtray :(

@loribuckmajor haha I hope your day sucks even more than mine <3 XO

I like cig butts and I’m gonna die

“I WILL KICK YOUR ASS” - people sitting at home using the internet

You guys know all my tweets are very sincere, right? Especially the ones about ballsacks?

The first thing I look for in a man is a really nice ballsack.

I'm really proud of you guys. You're doing a great job tweeting.

@cali_kid_mike thank you for the trophy Mike! Let’s make this happen!

Clear history, but for your sex life

Everyone really likes your cleavage

No one cares about your cleavage

tried to type “humoring” but ended up with “hump ring” and I don’t know what that means but I’m clenching my butt anyway

@thedairylanddon a trophy from one of the most awesome people ever!!! Thank you, Don <3

Sometimes I make a grammatical error in a tweet just so I know what it feels like to be you guys

It was me. I pissed in your cornflakes.

I laughed so hard I almost spit the dick out of my mouth

Are we still RTing each other or did we break up?

@livingnboston I'd like to thank you for the trophy, Jimmy, but we all know this is god's doing. Xo <3

How's that praying working out for ya?

Want to get close to people on twitter?

Step 1: kill yourself