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Tweets are the windows to the soulless.
Newbies: Twitter is an online diary so everything you write here must be 100% true
I like tweeting at this time of day because no one is actually reading it except drunk people and Australians from the future
If you break someone’s heart the least you can do is walk away
Don’t you wish your girlfriend had anger management issues and financial problems like me?
When someone can’t stop coughing I always like to help by killing them
Kids are so cute the way they get upset if you know the punch line to their joke or light their favorite teddy bear on fire
“Oh, you’d like a good night’s sleep? LOL” - phones
The solution to all your problems: take a nap. You’re welcome.
The guy who invented the word tchotchkes should get a blowjob. Or be killed.
I tweet what I want, muthafuckas
Just because you paid a lot of money for them doesn’t mean anyone wants to see them.