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Yes, my boyfriend is 23. I see you trying to do the math in your head. Yes, that makes me old enough to be his big sister. Calm down.
Now that I have a boyfriend, Twitter's the best place to bitch about him. How long do I have to wait before he screws shit up?
I can't be the only person that wants to punch a psychic in the face and ask them why they didn't see it coming
12 yr old to me : Mom, what's the useless skin around a vagina called?
Me : I don't know
12 yr old : A woman.
No need for that DNA test
If it wasn't for Twitter, I would only have the voices in my head to keep me company.
That moment when your kids catch u on Twitter and you feel like a 12 yr old caught with a dirty magazine. Damn, I hope they don't see my TL
Pretty sure stick figure people on the back of cars is the new Crocs. You're not getting laid, and everyone wants to punch u.
Remember back when your kids actually liked to help with chores? What happened to those days, and can I get a refund or something?
Happy 10 days until my birthday! It's so awesome how many people celebrate it, even letting off fireworks in my honor!
Happy MILF day. I hope you people got me something nice, and by nice, I mean alcohol.
Cinco de Mayo...the day racist Americans against immigration celebrate Mexican pride as an excuse to get drunk. Did I get that right?
When I say I don't like people, I genuinely mean it. If I like you, consider yourself privileged.
Apparently it's frowned upon to bring hash brownies to the PTA meeting even though they specifically asked me to bring a snack.
The perfect version of imperfection. A bit obsessed with sports. Atheist. Sarcastic. Smart-ass. MILF Directioner.