Pillow forts are trending.

I loved your tweet but won't favorite or RT it because I don't like you. #ss

200 followers! Does that get me in Twitter Elite?
(no)
Elite Lite?
(no)
A free meal at Ruth Chris?
...
Outback?
...
Denny's?
...
*sighs*

Don't go with the flow. Be like salmon. Swim against the current, mate and then die. Wait. What?

4 hours behind on my TL on a Saturday morning. Can't. Take. This. Pressure!

"I'm confident the kid isn't mine." - The Paternal Optimist

I think my wife is trying to get rid of me. She just sent me to the store for Dijon ketchup

Why are lederhosen only a thing in Germany? Anybody?

♫ There's a lady who's told | all she twitters is gold | and she's climbing the stairway to Favstar ♫

I shine dull like a lump of coal. Maybe I just need to be squeezed more.

Your tweet was the funniest thing I read all day but I won't RT you b/c unfollowed me for some twetiquette violation so fuck off and die.

Argo fuck yourself!

I find your tweets puerile yet insouciant #ss

Time you enjoyed tweeting was not wasted RT @humorquote Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. -John Lennon

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I tweet,
And miles to go before I tweet.

Things to live for: Twinkies are coming back!

I have a drinking problem:
Twitter is interfering with my drinking.
Sometimes I get to reading the tweets and forget to take a drink.

That is so wrong! RT @losensation MY EYES!!! RT @kmorgannnn4: #TittyTuesday 🙈😏😉 pic.twitter.com/T0uunHHmxu

@janet_sistare I have a new diet plan. Post this pic on my fridge and I may never eat again.

It's too co-o-old out side for angels to fly.
Wait a minute! So angels are no more omnipotent than American Airlines??