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Santa's business model is an odd mix of altruism and slave labor.
Never judge a book by its cover or a man by his name, unless his name is Assberry Fondlekids.
I just want to date a guy who's kind and makes jokes about Special Olympics bus crashes.
If the gays can cause hurricanes why are we pissing them off?
Writing my first country song. What rhymes with "dollar store pregnancy test"?
Dying alone sounds scary until you think about the ways people usually die in groups.
I can totally give myself a fake orgasm without using my hands.
The only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy is total abstinence. Or mind-blowing gay sex as often as you like.
Hey, what's the standard tip for a masseuse when you start crying midway because you haven't been touched by another human in 2 months? $6?
Sometimes my friends call just to tell me they miss me and that they're eating a burrito on the toilet.
33 years old and I still can't figure out how to get satellite reception in my vagina.
Religion has a big impact on your life whether you want it to or not. Which is basically the problem.
The hot girl on the treadmill farted but the whole gym blamed me just because I was standing there eating a pizza at the time.
No thanks, door-to-door evangelists, I don't need a new religion. I'm fine with the one I don't have already.
Billy Jean is easily the most danceable song ever written about statutory rape and paternity denial.
I may be fat, but I'm not Oklahoma Walmart fat.
I watched a pot and it boiled after about five minutes. Physics 1, Idioms 0.
My sister just assembled an entire human being using only the food she's eaten in the last 9 months & 1 cell her husband gave her. #MacGyver
Thank god we have Ke$ha to remind us what you can accomplish with metronomic beats and no vocal talent whatsoever.
Débutante, occasional maker of bad decisions.