If these walls could talk, I would move out. Talking walls are fucking creepy

Im so embarrased. Im walking down the street with my erect nipples, and all the women are giving me dirty looks.

My mother just called me to remind me why I left home.

Actually, that's not why she called. But I don't remember the rest.

Im not gonna lie, often times I don't know what the hell you people are talking about.

"Im smart. Im funny. Im original." --your brain on twitter

You say potato. I say alot of stupid shit on Twitter.

Great. Now im stoned. Stoned and tweeting. This could get ugly.

If you're happier when she gives you the silent treatment, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship

I've wasted so much time on twitter. Than again, I've wasted so much time with alot of stupid shit. So no biggie.

Just saw a guy on a vespa with a hot girl on the back. Either twitter's been lying to me, or that girl is his sister.

Once in a while, write a tweet you're scared to send.

All my tweets are funny. The problem is you.

I saw the light. It went on when I opened the fridge. Its off now.

Don't annoy the crazy person

As it turns out, its pretty lonely at the bottom too.

The weather in hell might suck. But the company probably fucking rocks.

Motorcycles are fucking awesome!! You for sure have at least 30 good rides before someone side swipes you into an oncoming truck.

This cute girl at the bar was totally looking at me while picking the wedgie outta her butt....We're probably gonna fuck.

Facebook is social networking. Twitter is anti-social networking. Get it straight.

I never coveted my neighbors wife, but I did wanna kick the shit outta his children a couple times.