The guy behind me is playing a game where he sees how close he can get to my bumper before I stop & murder him... Brb. He just lost.

My wife wakes up with morning wouldn't.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I'd choose dead. Because more food for me.

My grandpa put his hearing aids in the casket with grandma. He said he was cured.

My biggest fear is that one day there will be a postage stamp that is just Obama's bathroom mirror picture of himself from his iPhone.

My wife likes to role-play. Tonight she's a seductive housewife out on the town, and I'm sleeping in a crate behind the 7 Eleven..

Grandpa died from a viagra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

I'm at that awkward age where I'm too old to live in my parents basement, but too young to live in my daughter's guest room..

I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...

Don't get all High and Mighty just because your bike has a basket.

Just once I'd like to stay awake long enough after sex to give a proper apology.

I haven't figured out how to turn my vacuum on, and it takes up all the closet space. ...I think we're married.

Water? I'd tap that.

I'm freaking out. A car keeps driving by real slow with it's headlights off...

I think a family member may have found out where I live.

Everytime I try to give blood they want to know where I got it..

I really do give a flying fuck. And it's a spectacular thing to watch.

Why can't kids chew gum in elementary school? What if they're trying to quit smoking?

I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

Must have been a wild party... I woke up with a face drawn on my dick.