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Somewhere someone farts in public.
And the person next to them says, "Bless you."
I come from a strong southern tradition of arranged hairstyles.
Take the burgers off the grill before you lick the ones you want.
The worst thing about accidentally spilling your beer on your boss is spilling your beer.
My car is 10 times more environmentally friendly. That's how often it doesn't start...
The pussification of American sports has crushed my dream of seeing a man being struck by lightning and another man trying to tackle him.
Texting. So you can still be a bad ass even if you have the hiccups.
I'm at the stage of my marriage where I'm satisfied if the toilet water goes down.
I hope by "functional" you mean tomorrow.. because I won't be worth a shit for the rest of tonight.
Good things happen to good people's nipples.
I'm aware that humming at the urinal is inexcusable.. but I honestly couldn't remember the words.
I make up for not typing very well by typing very loud.
The Pepto Bismol Challenge. Not as much fun as it may sound...
The best thing about my new job is no one knows when I'm hungover... They just think I'm a huge dick for the first four hours of every day.
You're young and not giving a fuck, and then one day you wake up and soap is being called 'body wash'.
After we close this bank deal my boss is going to make me a partner. Or in legal terms, an accomplice.
My wife's getting crafty, now she's on her period AND has diarrhea. Well played...
I'm so OCD I walked my dog for 3 years after he died.
The planet is fine... It's the people that are fucked! - George Carlin