No one's proud of their "catch up to other people" jog.

Well, I did it. Successfully turned all my athletic shorts into do-fucking-nothing shorts.

When the trash is full, I'm playing garbage Jenga long before I think about taking it out.

Fellow men in the grocery store: Once you start holding it in the crease of your elbow, that shopping basket is just a hard plastic purse.

Come on, you've done rest stops and that middle-of-nowhere Arby's. You got this! (A bathroom pep talk I hope I never have to give myself)

My fastest driving comes after the slow driver in front of me turns, so I can prove my innocence to all cars behind me.

If we've met, chances are you'll remember me as the guy whose hands were still wet from the bathroom sink.

I have no way to prove it, but I suspect God's laugh sounds a lot like the clunk of my remote slipping between my bed and the wall.

The closest I'll come to cutting the red or blue wire is the sweat and anxiety I get as I hover over the send button on an important e-mail.

Mesh shorts after a long day in pants is probably about as close as my balls will get to a day at the spa.

Hey let me know when you meet a guy hovering over a barbecue who isn't claiming to cook the BEST burgers.

A rainy day with puddles condemns me to at least one emasculating ballet leap.

Nothing makes me lose more potential friends than the motions I make when a bee is flying by my face.

Hey, guy responsible for measuring the fit of doors in every public bathroom stall ever, get a new fucking ruler.

If I have to hold a woman's bag, I find the arm position and body posture that best says "I've never done this recreationally."

I'm not really a violent person, except when I browse the entire channel guide for the half-hour that just ended.

My greatest accomplishment? I never once unpaused the game and played while my friend went to get a snack.

Still waiting for the time I say, "Boy, this bag of old CDs and parking passes in my trunk sure did come in handy!"

I've had the milk to cereal ratio mastered for years but I'll still drown a salad on a daily basis.

Most times I look serious or focused I'm actually just producing and starring in an uplifting sports montage in my head.