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No one's proud of their "catch up to other people" jog.
Well, I did it. Successfully turned all my athletic shorts into do-fucking-nothing shorts.
If we've met, chances are you'll remember me as the guy whose hands were still wet from the bathroom sink.
When the trash is full, I'm playing garbage Jenga long before I think about taking it out.
Fellow men in the grocery store: Once you start holding it in the crease of your elbow, that shopping basket is just a hard plastic purse.
Come on, you've done rest stops and that middle-of-nowhere Arby's. You got this! (A bathroom pep talk I hope I never have to give myself)
My fastest driving comes after the slow driver in front of me turns, so I can prove my innocence to all cars behind me.
I have no way to prove it, but I suspect God's laugh sounds a lot like the clunk of my remote slipping between my bed and the wall.
The closest I'll come to cutting the red or blue wire is the sweat and anxiety I get as I hover over the send button on an important e-mail.
Mesh shorts after a long day in pants is probably about as close as my balls will get to a day at the spa.
Hey let me know when you meet a guy hovering over a barbecue who isn't claiming to cook the BEST burgers.
A rainy day with puddles condemns me to at least one emasculating ballet leap.
Nothing makes me lose more potential friends than the motions I make when a bee is flying by my face.
Hey, guy responsible for measuring the fit of doors in every public bathroom stall ever, get a new fucking ruler.
If I have to hold a woman's bag, I find the arm position and body posture that best says "I've never done this recreationally."
I'm not really a violent person, except when I browse the entire channel guide for the half-hour that just ended.
My greatest accomplishment? I never once unpaused the game and played while my friend went to get a snack.
Still waiting for the time I say, "Boy, this bag of old CDs and parking passes in my trunk sure did come in handy!"
I've had the milk to cereal ratio mastered for years but I'll still drown a salad on a daily basis.
Most times I look serious or focused I'm actually just producing and starring in an uplifting sports montage in my head.