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No one's proud of their "catch up to other people" jog.
Well, I did it. Successfully turned all my athletic shorts into do-fucking-nothing shorts.
When the trash is full, I'm playing garbage Jenga long before I think about taking it out.
Fellow men in the grocery store: Once you start holding it in the crease of your elbow, that shopping basket is just a hard plastic purse.
Come on, you've done rest stops and that middle-of-nowhere Arby's. You got this! (A bathroom pep talk I hope I never have to give myself)
My fastest driving comes after the slow driver in front of me turns, so I can prove my innocence to all cars behind me.
If we've met, chances are you'll remember me as the guy whose hands were still wet from the bathroom sink.
I have no way to prove it, but I suspect God's laugh sounds a lot like the clunk of my remote slipping between my bed and the wall.
The closest I'll come to cutting the red or blue wire is the sweat and anxiety I get as I hover over the send button on an important e-mail.
Mesh shorts after a long day in pants is probably about as close as my balls will get to a day at the spa.
Hey let me know when you meet a guy hovering over a barbecue who isn't claiming to cook the BEST burgers.
A rainy day with puddles condemns me to at least one emasculating ballet leap.
Nothing makes me lose more potential friends than the motions I make when a bee is flying by my face.
Hey, guy responsible for measuring the fit of doors in every public bathroom stall ever, get a new fucking ruler.
If I have to hold a woman's bag, I find the arm position and body posture that best says "I've never done this recreationally."
I'm not really a violent person, except when I browse the entire channel guide for the half-hour that just ended.
My greatest accomplishment? I never once unpaused the game and played while my friend went to get a snack.
Still waiting for the time I say, "Boy, this bag of old CDs and parking passes in my trunk sure did come in handy!"
I've had the milk to cereal ratio mastered for years but I'll still drown a salad on a daily basis.
Most times I look serious or focused I'm actually just producing and starring in an uplifting sports montage in my head.