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Smoking marijuana and talking politics will confirm only ONE thing...
French Toast Please.
My fiancé says I use twitter too much, sad thing was, as she said it, I covered the speaker of my phone so that twitter wouldn't hear it.
Every time I see a car with the sign "Baby on Board", I instantly start looking for a surfing infant inside the car.
I bet Ashton Kutcher wishes his parents, Bruce & Demi, would get back together.
RT'ing someones 6 month old tweet is like watching 70s porn: it's old, but you'll still like it.
There are some days when all I want to do is sing and dance to the Spice Girls.
Then on the other days, I find my Penis.
Hate it when you're at a work meeting, talking with the boys, and it goes silent just as you say the word 'DICK' or 'CUNT' really loud.
Dressing up as a clown, getting fuck eyed drunk, and shitting your pants apparently isnt the best way to celebrate your nieces 3rd birthday.
Strange. Semen isn't listed on the weight watchers point system.
That could be an issue for some girls come Saturday night!
Subject to contrary belief, if you're getting strangled during sex... You ain't doing it right.
Seriously, my belly button must be a gateway to a world run by lint, because there is no way it can produce that much by itself.
The reason they call them "roofies", was because "floories" had too many negative connotations.
I just spent some time reading ALL my timeline.
Some of you guys are pretty funny... The rest of you are just plain fucked up.
I considered being a pirate once.
But I have a speech impediment, and I can't pronounce the letter 'R'.
Quick, think of something funny about masturbation! -
Everyone.
Everyday.
On twitter.
A lot of these singers in the 50's must have had a thing for 'Ron', cause they keep on asking me to 'Do' him.
Masturbation is best served cold; like your penis, and your love life, and the corpse of your mother which is still under the house.
I'd murder you AND your family for a taco.
