@NotTooProud's (Dan) most faved Tweets...
Dad fear: 14 y.o. has blossomed into a very attractive young woman.
I'm not worried, though. Pretty sure she's got her Mother's libido.
I'm not worried, though. Pretty sure she's got her Mother's libido.
I keep hearing people complain about hot girls with questionable profiles following them.
How do I make that happen, again?
How do I make that happen, again?
Shit, shower, spank it, don't bother to shave.
The daily routine of married guys who've given up, all over the world.
The daily routine of married guys who've given up, all over the world.
If this goddamn dog doesn't hurry and take a goddamn piss, I can't go to goddamn bed, and then who is my wife going to ignore?
Wife's not letting me skip church today.
At least I used to be able to count on a quickie when we got home to change.
You know, Jesus sex.
At least I used to be able to count on a quickie when we got home to change.
You know, Jesus sex.
For Follow Friday, I picked a hot blonde at the Chevron station.
Followed her for about 7 miles, but then she got really creeped out.
Followed her for about 7 miles, but then she got really creeped out.
I saw some people tweeting about candy corn, so I had to go get a bag last night.
At least this morning's vomit was a pretty color.
At least this morning's vomit was a pretty color.
Wife's going out of town for a week. Asked me if I'd miss her.
Told her I'd be fine, I had you fuckers to ignore me.
Told her I'd be fine, I had you fuckers to ignore me.
Wife walked by in her underwear, which I took as a sign, but she was only getting laundry.
What? I always watch the game with my dick out.
What? I always watch the game with my dick out.
You know when you really have to piss, then you do, and it feels amazing?
My neighbor didn't get why I was moaning in his backyard either.
My neighbor didn't get why I was moaning in his backyard either.
Are we done with all the "gorging myself on candy" jokes yet?
I'm ready to move to the "gorging myself on turkey" jokes. Birdhouse is full.
I'm ready to move to the "gorging myself on turkey" jokes. Birdhouse is full.
Wife's going out of town for a week. Prepare yourselves for updates about ramen, hot dogs, farts and jerking off.
You know, as usually.
You know, as usually.
I've been practicing letting go of anger about stuff from the past. Right now I want to punch you in the face, so I guess it isn't working.
Only one way I'm going to survive this visit from my Mother-in-Law, and that's constant masturbation.
Not thinking about her, of course.
Not thinking about her, of course.
Single parents: what do you do with the baby when you need to take a crap?
Mine's locked in the shower, but pretty sure that's not right.
Mine's locked in the shower, but pretty sure that's not right.
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