You want what on the fucking ceiling?

-Michelangelo

When my iPhone says "Searching" I hold it close to my heart and whisper "Me too, iPhone, me too". Then I start to cry.

I am having an out of money experience.

How to make money from Twitter.

1. Go to settings

2. Press deactivate account.

3. Go to work.

You can't be old and wise, if you were never young and crazy.

Did you know, if you rearrange the letters in 'religion' it spells 'ngoiilre'?

Yeah, still makes absolutely no fucking sense.

An Atheist walked into a bar with God, Thor and Zeus,

The bartender turned to serve him and said,

"Drinking alone again I see..."

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight...

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don't want my onions to feel awkward.

Bigotry wrapped up in religious beliefs is still bigotry.

I have pretty much read the entire bible just from reading Facebook statuses.

For God so loved the world that he sent Darwin to explain it.

In America atheists make up about 15% of the population, yet only .2% of the prison population. What does that say about morality? #atheism

People think you're yelling but that's just how you talk.

#PuertoRicanProblems

I should keep that to myself.



~No one on Twitter

Dear short people,

Can't touch this.

Love, Top shelf

You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.