I stood there wondering "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hit me.

"Did you just fart?" "Well, I didn't *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition."

I just dropped a caramel on the floor and called 5-Second Rule. Out loud. And I'm alone.

So very alone.

Is it true that every time someone is killed, Kevin Bacon is charged with sixth degree murder?

Difference between nude and naked: Nude - you're wearing no clothes. Naked - you're wearing no clothes and you're up to something.

She's so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

If you're old enough - and equipped enough - to be dressed as a "slutty" anything, you're too old for trick or treating.

Things I learned while drinking: You shouldn't fuck anything that's on fire.

You're welcome.

Feeling feckless this morning. Completely and utterly without feck. To be honest, I'm not even sure I was around when feck was distributed.

Being vague is as annoying as that other thing.

Me: Huh?
Him: I don't know. Sometimes I run out of words before I stop talking.

http://twitpic.com/1bugl - Maybe I just like the cock.

Hating my boss. So there's that.

I've had my nose to the grindstone all day. Fucking blood everywhere.

The reason we don't use our brains is so that they'll be nice and tender when the zombies come. You know, like veal. #tcot

Anyone who's ever met me knows I love cake, but just between us, I'm a little pie-curious.

Sweetie's chanting "meat bulbs, meat bulbs, meat bulbs" while repeatedly pointing to his crotch.

Today should be interesting.

I work alone, so there's no one here to appreciate how great my boobs look in the low-cut top I wore.

Well, except me.

Related: Niiiiice!

Statistically, when Tweeters with few followers get Favrd, it's a much bigger accomplishment than when the popular folks do. Just sayin'.

Just figuring out this unemployment thing.