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Facebook: where my real life friends see the fake me...
Twitter: where imaginary friends see the real me...
The best way to get over my ex is to get back on the whores...
What do you mean horse? That's sick!
I am such a dork: I'm at a bar and I'm on my phone researching of the plural of orifice is orifi or orifices...
This is a subtweet..
It's under the one above it. That's how it works, right?
Sit on Santa's lap, he makes your dreams come true...
Sit on my lap, I make my dreams come true...
Facebook: my resolutions for 2012: lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking & drinking, and fall madly in love
Twitter: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Facebook: everybody's normal until you get to know them in RL
Twitter: everybody's a freak until you get to know them in RL
My 4 major food groups, Doritos & beer! Ok, math is not my strong suit, so sue me...
I firmly believe that mermaids come about when hot chicks skinny dip and get raped by dolphins...
Fuuuck! I know this bartender is only nice to me for a tip but she is glorious and worth paying for some attention!
If you call me, I will decline the call and text you to see what you want.
Funny to wake up and see that one of my tweets got 5 stars and a RT and I dont even have a clue as to what fuck the tweet means...
Oh God, I just realized tomorrow is Monday, life sucks...
Oh wait, I'm off work this week...
Carry on...
hate when I'm walking the dogs, w/ headphones on, & all the neighbors try 2 talk 2 me. If I wanted 2 talk to you, I'd look you up on twitter
Ladies, if you would just kick your leg like my dog does when I scratch his tickle spot, I would know where your fucking G-spot was...
I bring you pervs to church with me so that the lightening strikes my phone instead of me...
So how exactly do I draw my stalker out? She stars my tweets but won't talk to me... Trying to reverse stalk...
How fucking depressing is it that when I am actually having sex with a woman, I'm thinking about what I can tweet about it?
I am a professional linguist and I'm quite cunning. no, really, I speak 5 languages and teach one of them everyday. but what you were thinking is also true!
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