Things that have made my life fun:
1) iPhone & it's games
2) twitter
3) favstar


Things that have ruined my life:
1) the entire list above

Going down on a girl and not coming up until she has an orgasm is the grown-up version of *The Clean-Plate Club.*

Dear guys named Kenneth:

Until you start referring to yourself as Ken or Kenny, I will continue to ask you the frequency.

Regards, me

Mom said I looked chubby. I wanted to tell her the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but I got distracted thinking about apple desserts.

Two things I'll share about myself:

First thing, my penis is 9.2 inches long.

Second thing, I'm numerically dyslexic.

I totally crushed it at the gym today.

Just kidding, I don't got to the gym! I'm too lazy. I did eat the fuck out of some waffles though!

Sometimes I get really jealous of Kermit the Frog. He's rich...he's famous...and his fingers always smell like bacon.

Getting friended on FB by someone u don't know = "Fuck u, creep"

Getting followed on Twitter by someone u don't know = "Yay, a new friend!"

When playing members of the band Queen in a game of Rock/Paper/Scissors, ALWAYS play paper.

I guarantee they will rock you.

My buddy, Jason, got mad when he opened his paycheck & a bunch of parsley fell out. We think his wages were garnished.

[Is this thing on?]

Whenever I tweet something, look at it, and then wish it turned out differently, I think about how my parents must feel when they look at me

I'm watching Twilight with my cat.


I wish I knew how to kick my own ass.

The worst part about dating someone with a lot of baggage is the extra fees the airlines are going to charge you at check-in.

I typed *awww* & autocorrect changed it to *sewer.* I guess it was implying that I'm better off looking like shit, than looking like a pussy

I love my electric toothbrush. But there's something very awkward about thrusting a ten-inch vibrating rod into my mouth, 2 - 14 times a day

My dream is for Lipton to come out with a drink called *Tea-Pain* that auto-tunes my voice when consumed.

I have pathetic dreams :(

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you're probably David Blaine or a witch of some sort.

If I were a vampire, I'd probably be less like Edward and more like Count Chocula.

Since starting this accnt, I've neglected my personal one. Let's face it, reading about all the sex that no one is having is more realistic.

I may not get a lot of stars/RTs, but I'm honored to get the ones I do, from the ppl that give them. Feel free to be on this exclusive list.