On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

My wife assures me that size doesn't matter, but all of her dildos look like they need a lamp shade on top.

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say "you're gross".

I made some Xanax brownies. They taste terrible, but I'm not really worried about it.

When I masturbate I look like I'm trying to catch popcorn in my mouth.

Hey black guys, that's enough with the used cop cars. I'm tired of tossing my joint.

Party like your intervention is tomorrow.

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also out of vodka.

I was explaining to my 7 how cereal is fortified with vitamins and it's okay for dinner sometimes. He said "Holy shit, your eyes are so red"

Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.

My wife is on her period, drinking, and talking to her mom. I'm going to play dead when she gets off the phone.

Hey 20 year old girls, stop tweeting about sex. You don't even know how to fuck yet.

Certain beers give me a terrible hangover. I've narrowed it down and I think it's the 18th beer.

When I put my dick in, sighs matter.

My wife gags while brushing her teeth. Thanks for always reminding me my dick is shorter than a toothbrush, God.

My son is 7 and still can't tie his shoes. I'm not worried since we live in Texas, he may be president someday.

My wife leaves out dildo and my son sees it so I kick it under bed.

Son: what was that?

Me: a mouse


Son: it sure had a big dick.

I've never been to Jurassic Park, but I've been known to make a Vaginasore.

Got a hateful DM over a shake a baby joke. Why so sensitive? How do you know that baby wasn't being a total faggot?

My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. I assume that means to pick up a bottle of wine for her.