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If Aladdin were historically accurate, 2/3 of the movie would have been Aladdin savagely beating Jasmine for showing her skin in public.
I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.
I've reached an age where sleep sounds better than 97% of things.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.
A guy named Bolt is fast, & a guy named 50 cent is broke. Not saying names are important but to be safe I'm naming my kid Rich McWellhung.
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I'll be murdered
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.
Gangnam Style hit one billion views today. So the world didn't end, just humanity's taste in music.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger's engagement proves that not only is love blind, it's also deaf.
Every girl's super power is the ability to be running ten minutes late regardless of how early they started getting ready.
Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.
I don't know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I'd have like 3 problems. Max.
There's nothing like that feeling of solidarity when a line of cars work together to keep an asshole from merging in front of you.
The hell with a Klondike Bar, ask me what I'd do for an OPEN bar.
The best part about being funny is it totally makes up for all these crippling emotional issues.
Saw a bumper sticker that said 'Jesus is the answer.' Two cars later I saw one that said 'Who farted?' Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Beer Pong Champion, Bad Decisions Enthusiast. Bachelorette Season 7. Snapchat: a.westlee; Insta: AWestLee
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