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I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.
If Aladdin were historically accurate, 2/3 of the movie would have been Aladdin savagely beating Jasmine for showing her skin in public.
I've reached an age where sleep sounds better than 97% of things.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I'll be murdered
I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Gangnam Style hit one billion views today. So the world didn't end, just humanity's taste in music.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger's engagement proves that not only is love blind, it's also deaf.
Every girl's super power is the ability to be running ten minutes late regardless of how early they started getting ready.
Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.
There's nothing like that feeling of solidarity when a line of cars work together to keep an asshole from merging in front of you.
The hell with a Klondike Bar, ask me what I'd do for an OPEN bar.
I don't know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I'd have like 3 problems. Max.
Saw a bumper sticker that said 'Jesus is the answer.' Two cars later I saw one that said 'Who farted?' Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The best part about being funny is it totally makes up for all these crippling emotional issues.
Somewhere, Brad Pitt sheds a single tear as he reads of Jennifer Aniston's engagement. "COME TO BED HONEY" calls Skeletor from the next room
Lil Wayne called himself the next Tupac, which I can only hope means he's going to be shot in a drive-by.
Hey I just met you. And this is crazy. But here's a rose. Marry me, maybe? #Bachelorette
Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass--Bachelorette Season 7