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Mark Zuckerberg: To celebrate the birth of my child, I will give away almost all of my money.
Mark Zuckerberg's child: The fuck?
Have fun Black Friday shopping. I'll be here in bed, like a sane person.
*logs into Twitter*
*sees World War III trending*
*logs out of Twitter, breaks phone, and
moves to deserted island far, far away*
In other news, Jared Fogle got sentenced to 15 years of having absolutely no say in whether he gets a 6 inch or a footlong.
Oxford Dictionaries picked 😂 as its word of the year. To be clear, a DICTIONARY chose a PICTURE as WORD of the year. The end is near.
Charlie Sheen could live another forty years and still not finish calling everyone he's slept with to tell them to get tested.
You say I'm not a morning person as if I might like you at some other time of day.
11pm: Going to sleep early!
Surfs the Web
11:00pm: Going to sleep early
Surfs the Web
There's a movie called Groundhog Day about someone who lives the same day over & over. Another name for the film could've been "adult life."
Inventor of Candy Crush just sold his company for 6 billion dollars. Video games are for kids, my parents said. Get a real job, they said.
Think about how much differently we'd view Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees if they only killed vegans and crossfitters.
If Khloe and Lamar have taught me anything, it's that booze, drugs, and hookers will save your relationship.
Khloe and Lamar called off their divorce. The man almost died from a drug overdose in a whorehouse and somehow this is the worse decision.
Scary Halloween costumes:
Positive Pregnancy Test
Small talk with random person from high school
Student loan bill
President Donald Trump
I'm very good at drinking games. Like, weirdly good. Bachelorette Season 7. Snapchat: a.westlee; Insta: AWestLee
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