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Hey, remember that time we let a country that can't even feed its own people tell us what movies to watch? Lol.
Where was North Korea when my girlfriend was forcing me to watch Twilight 17 times?
Ways to improve Christmas shopping:
1. Less shopping.
2. Like, a lot less.
3. Literally no shopping.
4. Instead of shopping, drinking.
Woo it's Friday! I'm gonna go out*, drink heavily**, and party all night long***!
**watch some Netflix
***probably go to bed early
Facebook would like to remind you that some dude from 9th grade English and the girl who gave you mono have birthdays today.
If you get offended by someone telling you "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas," chances are you need to lighten the fuck up.
When the world ends, I hope it's on a Sunday night. Because then it's like "yeah, sucks we're all gonna die; but hey, no work tomorrow."
Some days I think I won't be happy unless I accomplish great things with my life. Other days I'd settle for a nap and a large pizza.
I'm old enough to remember when Cyber Monday was just something lonely people did in AOL chatrooms.
Have fun Black Friday shopping. I'll be in bed, like a sane person.
Show people you really care today by including them in a generic Happy Thanksgiving text sent to everyone in your contact list.
Making everyone who comes to Thanksgiving this year sign a waiver saying they won't talk about Ebola, Ferguson or my dating life.
Karen on Facebook said she's taking it one day at a time, so I replied "me too. That's how days work."
I don't care what Folgers says; the best part of waking up is hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
Why does People Magazine need to specify that Chris Hemsworth is the sexiest man "alive?" Were they planning to dig up a body and compare?
If you'd asked me 10 years ago who women should be more afraid of, Bill Cosby or Charles Manson, well...apparently I would've been wrong.
Mass murderer Charles Manson is getting married, and you're still single. Happy Tuesday.
Today is World Kindness Day. Because apparently we're all giant idiots who need a holiday to remind us to be nice to each other.
One day Kim Kardashian's butt will develop its own gravitational pull and that is how the world will end.
Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass--Bachelorette Season 7