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Kinda surprised Pope Francis beat Miley Cyrus for Person of the Year. I mean, can he even twerk?
Morning traffic is just like afternoon traffic only worse because you end up at work.
I go back and forth between thinking Victoria's Secret models are sexy and really wanting to buy them a sandwich.
Until death, or you become a vegan, do us part.
It's cute how I put my phone on the nightstand before getting in bed like I'm not going to reach over and grab it in less than two minutes.
Apparently the only acceptable answer to "how was your weekend?" is "too short!" followed by 5-15 seconds of fake laughter.
See, Monday, the thing is...no.
Kanye West said he's the next Nelson Mandela which I can only hope means he's going to be thrown in jail for 27 years.
Your elf on the shelf works for the NSA.
Not sure what's sadder, the fact that I'll be spending Friday night at home on my couch or the fact that I'm really excited about it.
Just had a whole conversation where I said nothing but "yeah" and "uh huh," and I think I accidentally wrote a rap song.
Nelson Mandela left the world a better place than he found it. That's all any of us can hope for. Rest in peace.
Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass--Bachelorette Season 7