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I'm going as an unwed 34 year old with no kids for Halloween. I don't know about everyone else but my mom thinks this costume is terrifying.
Peyton Manning breaks Brett Favre's touchdown record, still trails by large margin in number of creepy dick pics sent to female staffers.
Just a reminder that you've only got a couple of weeks left to decide what ordinary thing you're going to make slutty this Halloween.
Columbus Day is the perfect male holiday because it celebrates a guy who would rather claim he found the new world than admit he got lost.
We'll probably be a good 45 minutes into the apocalypse before I look up from my phone long enough to notice.
On the bright side, the Ebola scare makes my generally anti-social behavior justifiable.
It's like athletes don't even think about how their actions affect my fantasy team.
Roger Goodell found out Wes Welker popped Molly & suspended him for two games. Then he found out Molly was a drug & changed it to 4 games.
Wes Welker went to the Kentucky Derby, had a great time, and didn't hurt anyone. Suspended four games. The guy who beat his wife? Two.
As far as I can tell, Wes Welker got suspended for being awesome.
It's weird how posting nude pictures of Jennifer Lawrence can be both a crime and a public service.
I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but dumping a bucket of water on your head does not make you a philanthropist.
I don't want Joan Rivers to die because of surgery, but if she does, at least she died doing what she loved.
Not watching the VMAs so I don't know who's winning, but I'm pretty sure the loser is music.
Decided to try working out before work this morning. So far all I've determined is that people who regularly get up before 5 am are insane.
Congrats to all those moving into college this week. The smart ones will graduate early. The smarter ones will never graduate.
Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass--Bachelorette Season 7