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Karen on Facebook said she's taking it one day at a time, so I replied "me too. That's how days work."
I don't care what Folgers says; the best part of waking up is hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
Why does People Magazine need to specify that Chris Hemsworth is the sexiest man "alive?" Were they planning to dig up a body and compare?
If you'd asked me 10 years ago who women should be more afraid of, Bill Cosby or Charles Manson, well...apparently I would've been wrong.
Mass murderer Charles Manson is getting married, and you're still single. Happy Tuesday.
Today is World Kindness Day. Because apparently we're all giant idiots who need a holiday to remind us to be nice to each other.
One day Kim Kardashian's butt will develop its own gravitational pull and that is how the world will end.
When the police ask why I burned this store down, I'll say it was because they were playing Christmas music on November fucking 8th.
Toy Story 4 will just be two hours of people telling a now 36 year old Andy that he's too old to be playing with dolls.
Happy Election Day to the 26% of Americans who will decide today what 50% of Americans will be complaining about for the next several years.
I'm so tired. I can't wait to go to bed and play on my phone for three hours.
CNN says the symptoms of Ebola are tiredness and fatigue. So apparently I've had it for most of my adult life.
The word multitask has the word tit in it. Good luck not noticing that for the rest of your life.
I'm going as an unwed 34 year old with no kids for Halloween. I don't know about everyone else but my mom thinks this costume is terrifying.
Peyton Manning breaks Brett Favre's touchdown record, still trails by large margin in number of creepy dick pics sent to female staffers.
Columbus Day is the perfect male holiday because it celebrates a guy who would rather claim he found the new world than admit he got lost.
We'll probably be a good 45 minutes into the apocalypse before I look up from my phone long enough to notice.
On the bright side, the Ebola scare makes my generally anti-social behavior justifiable.
Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass--Bachelorette Season 7