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In the future archaeologists will believe we marked the passing of time with failed reality TV relationships.
Happy Memorial Day to all those who've served our country. Sorry we used the freedom your sacrifices gave us to make the Kardashians famous.
Scrabble has added the words ridic, lolz, and obvs to its dictionary. Thanks, teenagers. Because of you, even our word games are illiterate.
*smothers the Simpsons with a pillow*
"Shhh shh shh it's ok, it's ok. You're going to a better place."
You call it stalking, I call it staying close by in case you ever need rescuing.
*invents time machine*
Gonna kill Hitler, huh?
"Nah, gonna stop Watergate so people won't put the word gate behind everything"
Oh thank God.
Accidentally clicked on a link for the Entourage movie and now my phone won't stop calling me bro.
Just a reminder that Tom Brady's punishment is twice as severe as someone who was literally caught on tape beating his wife.
Tom Brady's punishment is a 4 game suspension and he has to burn his favorite pair of Uggs.
Breaking: Man who shot George Zimmerman rushed to hospital after nearly being high fived to death.
Oh, I thought American Idol ended five years ago.
I always feel a little sad when Mother's Day ends and we have to put mom back in her cage until next year.
Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for giving up the best years of your life to raise me. Here's a card. We cool?
Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass--Bachelorette Season 7
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