I'd like to meet this person whose ass can cash checks. I have so many questions.

Ok, universe, that's enough school tragedies. Let's focus on being a dick to someone else for a while, please.

Does Abercrombie's CEO not realize he's basically just a fatter Gary Busey? pic.twitter.com/Kp8RNtjVRi

Just saw a guy in a cowboy hat sitting in the back of a truck looking sad on the side of the road. Now I know how country songs get written.

Breaking: Florida lottery winner already broke again after spending fortune on giant statue of Tim Tebow wearing jorts.

If moving has taught me anything, it's that I'm a lot closer to having my own episode of Hoarders than I'd like to admit.

Sometimes you forget to say no pickles on your burger, and then you have to burn the restaurant down. You feel bad, but it had to be done.

Kanye West seems to have a lot of angst for a guy who could probably buy his own island if he wanted to.

A buddy just told me taking red meat out of my diet would help limit my chances of getting cancer but honestly that kinda sounds worse.

Pretty neat how we can make highly complex microchips the size of a grain of rice but my multi-vitamin almost chokes me to death every day.

David Beckham announces he will retire from soccer & spend more time with his first love, being really, really, ridiculously good looking.

@theyearofelan are you portrait of an artist as a young man because you're nowhere near as good as people make you out to be

They said I had no feelings. I was like that depends, is "fuck this shit" a feeling?

I've learned never to say that things couldn't possibly get any worse, because the universe always seems to respond "challenge accepted."

Why don't women like mornings? Because they always come too soon.

The main problem with adulthood is almost everything.

Lunch, otherwise known as the time of day when I eat so much that I'm way too sleepy to do anything productive the rest of the afternoon.

Cute how Tuesday pretends to be its own day when everyone knows it's really just Monday, part 2.

Angelina Jolie had a double masectomy after learning that her breasts had secretly been Team Jen all along.

"With this ring, I thee wed." *places hula hoop around Coke freestyle machine*