If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma'am.

Excuse me, Rabbi. Can your people atone it down some?

First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato.

Her: You promised you’d wash the pots.

Me: I forgot.

Her: You spend all night Twittering.

Me: I’m trying to make you famous.

When my wife goes away, she leaves a Honey Do list. I say, "Fuck you, it's Saturday!" But, it comes out, "Yes, Dear." I'll be back later.

The real reason Republicans hate Obama so much, is because he only dates his wife.

Being a Twitter Celebrity is like being the regular customer in the restaurant only the employees know. The other patrons don't give a shit.

Even though I’m only 5’ 11” I can dunk.


A doughnut.


In coffee.

If I was a woman they would write songs, books and poems about me because I would be the

Biggest.

Whore.

Ever.

Women do fart. But, differently than men. They don’t lift their leg, they don’t pound their chest and they don’t high five the dog.

I like my whiskey like I like my sex. Alone and in the dark.

It's rumored the person using Bing is the same person using Google Wave.

When you tweet about every 3 minutes it's like a bird in a tree begging for people to throw things to shut it the fuck up.

♫ How much is that doggy innuendo? ♫

Famous Resignations: Richard Nixon, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin. Better known as the Ex’s of Evil.

We hear George Bush will be writing a book. What color crayons will he use? And when it’s published, who’ll read it to him?

If Life hands you a bowl of lemons, you look it right in the eye and say, “Fuck you, Life. I’m not your lemonade Wench.”

Red condoms might help more than red fonts. The yellow ribbons didn't stop the killing. Or the green for Iran. Colors don't work. People do.