nothing says "i'm single" like having to decide whether i should masturbate or make a sandwich

Twitter is where I share whatever is on my mind with the rest of the world and get ignored because I don't have tits to flash

Just saw this pregnant lady smoking so I did the responsible thing and pushed her down the stairs.

I feel sorry for you people in Los Angeles. Every time there's an earthquake you spill your martinis all over your cocaine

the irony of twitter is how boring it would be if you all got laid regularly

Twitter's version of poking would be fingering.

my tombstone will read: "he died of a broken heart when nobody starred his dick joke"

Pronouncing "edited it" is the vocal equivalent to falling down the stairs.

i just told my cat a racist joke and she laughed so hard the milk i gave her shot right out of her nose!!!

i joined twitter hoping to have witty banter with complete strangers. instead, i talk about my dick and how nobody loves me

Why the hell isn't there alcoholic cream soda?! Do I have to think of everything?

The only thing I have in common with people who work at the DMV is that I hate their lives too

My followers are hotter than yours.

what exactly is a clusterfuck and how do i get caught in one?

Some drunk girl told me I'm hot and asked if I'd like to know how wet she is. I said "moist definitely."

I'm a goddamn genius.

The same people who think Facebook is better than Twitter also believe an invisible being loves them.

A recent scientific study found people who laugh more and smile often are assholes.

Shit, I think I've forgotten how to sleep.

My cat's tenth birthday is tomorrow and she's expecting presents from all of you. Don't disappoint her, fuckers.

Adopted an Asian baby. What's the proper age to start training her to pull a rickshaw?