My #therapist says I sometimes misread people. I think she wants me.

My #ex says I have no life. Of course I don't. I'm raising your kids fuck head.

Ok seriously, where the hell is my shirt?

My nativity scene suddenly includes a kangaroo and a robot.

I hate people who post something followed by "you know who you are". You know who you are.

The phone is ringing and I have a mouth full of #cheese. Decisions, decisions.

My multiple personalities take alot of work. I second that.

My dog has humped the neighbour dog like 6 times today. That's just showing off.

Santa with a bag tied over his head is creepy. And a little arousing.

@shitgermanssay @sulphurshelf Your mouth says nein but your eyes say ... oh, they also say nein.

I hate that my #boss thinks I'll whore myself out for the good of the business. I mean, I will. I just hate that she expects it.

@randomm_one Actually, marshmallows are a root and, therefore, a vegetable.

Yes, I acknowledged you with a wave when you revved your engine. I don't think the siren was necessary.

I have this weird rash. Nothing like a little mystery to round out the evening.

I hate working with women. I need to learn a trade. Like, welding. Or prostitution.

@cool_jesse No, you just need the penises.

I got the music in me. Mainly because I choked on a Kazzoo but also cuz I like to sing.

I pushed a human out of my vagina. #StoryBehindMyScar

@that_damn_duck I've never actually seen "ecstacy" and "married" in the same sentence.

I'm classy. Except inside my head. But that's what Twitter is for.