Posted a tweet on facebook by mistake and now all of a sudden my family can afford therapy

I so thought today was my birthday cuz its the one day in the year nobody texts or calls...

Where do dead roommates go? Asking for dead roommate

Who, me? Just being twitter famous. Why only yesterday I got two stars.. TWO STARS!!

Must suck to be you guys.. I only have 29 problems

Moment of silence for my liver and my brain

*reads hateful tweet about crocs* looks right n left* kicks crocs under chair* replies to hateful tweet: yeah, i hate em too

That'l do perky cheerful ppl who can't wait to live life, that'l do

If by v you mean vodka then yes, i want the v

Any woman who names her son after her husband has no right to hate her mother-in-law because they both have the same taste

I like to tell the rich ppl i see on tv that they'l work for me one day because the power of positive thinking

I am now hiring a personal live studio audience. Will probably say eeeww a lot.

Cliterature. Literature about clits. Just putting it out there

There's no I in team.. There's no vodka either. What's your point?

The illuminutty is a secret society of peanut enthusiasts, made up of squirrels and a hot, probably gay in real life british guy

mother just gave me a bag.. not sure what the essence of shaking it is, but oh well *shrugs* *shakes what mother gave me*

If bat shit is crazy, why do the feces of these flying mammals not receive therapy? Does no one CARE?!

I'm African but not 'get adopted by Angelina Jolie' African

Sitting here lookin at a dog's balls and thinking how millions of yrs of evolution hav led up to me sitting here looking at a dog's balls

Yes I want the D ~
how i got a D in my exam