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I was told BY A STRIPPER that I need to go back to college. Fuck. Fine, universe, I hear you.
I think I'll start a Tumblr of all my skunk encounters. Skunk under a car. Skunk underfoot. Skunk stuck in take-out carton.
"I was trying to be respectful and not double-dip, but then I remembered we're sleeping together."
Not that that needed context, but I almost just stepped on a skunk. For real. It was less than pleased with me
And now for Halloween every girl I know will be going as "Sexy Binder"
"So. How IS sports?" - Me. Always me.
...pretty sure I just hate-ate that cookie
Guess how many times I almost BIT THROUGH MY LIP from stress today? Hint: it's more than once!
The inspector had a thing for redheads so I just flirted our way out of a $2400 fine. Guess I'm stuck with this color as long as I work here
Oh adorable couples who commute together; it's too early, you're not helping, please stop at once.
Not being able to use a great punchline is just SUCH a cockblock
Gave a 4 year old a cheap plastic ring, and you'd think I'd plucked the moon out of the sky for her. Kids are great.
So our sub letter just walked in on me drinking alone to a kids movie.
First impressions are important!
Jim Cummings IMDB resume is still one of the quickest ways to feel nostalgic and utterly unaccomplished
How great/tragic is it that people strip to Nickelback
I'm just going to close my eyes and pretend this hospital is the set of Kill Bill Vol 1. It'll be more relaxing that way