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People in Mcdonalds are so rude. I know you're choking and all but stop nudging me. Can't you see I'm trying to tweet about it.
Always count on the woman with the drawn on eyebrows to give you good bj's as its obvious her 'I think I'll stop now' function doesn't work
So a phone that automatically switches off if you are drunk has still not been invented?This is what happens when we let geeks invent stuff.
Sometimes I like to follow back a follower without checking their profile just because, you know, I live life on the edge and all that.
I can't decide whether I should correct the grammar in some of your tweets or just save time by tattooing an asshole on my forehead.
Every time I see a child getting neglected, I'm comforted in knowing that they'll be amazing tweeters in later life.
When I change a British term into something Americans can understand, I can't help but think that even on twitter we're America's bitch.
When I think of marriage, I always envision it being a constant struggle not to be the first one to suggest the game of russian roulette.
Quick tip: If anyone wants a slow and torturous death, forget contracting AIDS, just duct tape you eyelids back & keep refreshing fb.
My new shampoo says it can fight unruly hair, add new zest & shine, defeat chuck Norris, understand Inception & develop the cure for cancer.
What you mistook for an 'aww' while you put your baby on the phone to me was actually a whimper as I just stabbed myself.
Guys, please get over the fact that one of the twitter elite can accidentally sit on their phone and still get more stars than any of us.
The more frequently you tweet the more certain I am that you're tweeting from prison.
The best thing about living in a padded room is that my phone still looks brand new.
Does anyone know the quickest way to delete a twitter account in the event of an emergency? Asking for everyone on here.
Nobody is exempt from sounding like a douchebag when saying 'comprende' or 'amigo'. No, not even spanish people.
Anyone know if the woman who does the voice for self-checkouts has twitter? Need to resolve a few issues regarding her FUCKING WHINY VOICE.
If anyone requires living proof that modern psychiatry does not work, look no further than twitter.
