How come nobody ever let Houston talk about THEIR problems?

Stupid people write books too.

I wish I could perpetually feel post bagel with five coffees and a joint.

I see lots of neologism jokes ahead by the means of fusing 'Twitter' with varying nouns and verbs.

I know someone is a great listener when I tell them I am going to put all their cats in a dumpster and they nod approvingly.

I wouldn't recommend tweeting while getting stoned. It's difficult to concentrate when people are hauling rocks at you.

Know what's worse than your life? Having to work in a coffee shop and listen to you talk about it.

Just wear a copious amount of leather and no one will ask you if you have feelings or not.

I should have known this feeling happy thing wouldn't last.

I haven't seen a spider in an unsettling amount of time...

Wait, right-wing Christian Americans are doing bad stuff?! Inconceivable!

If you aren't reading, you're rotting.

Being a narcoleptic and having a phobia of falling asleep simultaneously really poops me out.

Cat zombies would be the worst fucking thing ever.

Eyes are wondrous lenses that cannot capture images; though, I would not want them to, for my memory shows not what I saw, but what I felt.

Gotta get better at that eyelash flutter thing girls do.

Fuck texting.

I think instant noodles and Fantastic Mr. Fox tonight.

The notes I write to my future self are pretty crazy.

Why can't I be Anne Hathaway's butt?