Just opened a new vat of ice cream and found a pube on the top layer. My feeling? If it was good enough to fuck, it's good enough to eat.

I'm being forced to attend a scrapbook party. On the plus side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid free paper.

The key to not looking like a slut is to act surprised when he tries anal. And, if that's not a pro tip then I don't know what is.

I walked two miles in 5" high heels yesterday and I still haven't found my car! Although I did make enough to buy a new one.

I just saw a dude get busted for shoplifting...in a dollar store! The worst part? I was actually in a dollar store

I'm pretty sure that last night I met the man I want to eventually sue for child support

I hit a car but I did leave a note: "You were in my way"

When I slept with Tiger all he gave me were these frosted flakes and I...oh, wrong Tiger. GRRRREAT.

I just told my boss what I really think of him. BUT, I used the phrase "no offense" beforehand so we should be good.

Apparently it's my sister's birthday. I swear its like she does this every year.

Hey little boy who bumped into my crotch face first, you may be crying now but, in a couple years, you'll thank me,

I think my boobs are magnets because the only men who want to touch them are those with rings on their fingers..

I hate life.

Bulimia: It's like having your cake and eating it twice.

I like my men to have thick dark hair, strong jawlines and prominent eyebrows....you know....like Brooke Shields

When a 2yr old throws herself on the floor and pees they say she's throwing a fit. But, when I do it they call me an alcoholic. Jerks

To get the vitamins & nutrients in one bowl of Total I have to eat seven bowls of red wine! Oh the things I do for proper nutrition.

Try to check your boyfriend's prostate just once and suddenly you're "taking things too far", have "sharp nails" or are a "finger sniffer".

Who needs KY Intense when I have Arby's Horsey Sauce!?

I really thought I wanted a career. Turns out that I just like it when men hand me money for having no morals.

When push comes to shove, a hemorrhoid is probably going to appear.