Boyfriend hasn't smoked in 3 days. Oh, by all means YOU congratulate him; I'm too busy packing up my shit.

The only thing I've had to eat since Thursday night is pizza; I'm just an active sex life short of being a college student.

Hillary Clinton plans to visit Chile to observe aftermath of quake, but WE ALL KNOW it's not a REAL tragedy until Brangelina shows up. Duh.

These Olympic athletes aren't talented at all! Oh my bad, I accidentally switched it over to American Idol. How embarrassing!

I don't mean to brag or anything, but some of the dishes in the sink have been in there since Christmas :)

There's going to be a Toy Story 3? Do we finally get to meet Andy's dad? Watch it be Darth Vader. Just watch. I'd bet money on it.

Apparently shitty grammatical usage and semantics are trending.

Some of us like to end tweets with "Fellas?" or "Ladies?" I propose the bisexual "Felladies?" You must admit, it's catchy.

Your Mom could probably win six different SAG Awards for her left breast alone.

Fuck! I keep missing the part in this Taylor Swift song where you're supposed to kill yourself for listening to it in the first place.

Pretty sure my dog has a drinking problem because every time I spill my drink, she licks it off the ground before I can.

I prefer the Summer Olympics. At least there's that classy "maybe he is, maybe he isn't"-ness to the gay guys.

Just realized I've made two jokes about Helen Keller in under a week. It's official: I'm going to HELL.

My sex life is a lot like God. Yeah, around my friends I talk it up like a big deal, but in reality, it's nonexistent.

I think kitchen items only get happy names to keep suicidal housewives hopeful. Like JOY Antibacterial Liquid Soap and GLAD ware. Ya'know?

I could never be "the gay guy" on a reality show. I lack the lisp when I talk, and I'm pretty sure that's a prerequisite.

I'm almost halfway through this Reba McEntire song and I haven't even started cutting myself yet.

The term "I Told you so" is a naturally reoccurring phenomenon in my life. So is the untimely death of those who say it to me.

I wish a killer whale would flop up on stage and maul Ryan Seacrest. Just sayin.

At least all of the Haiti orphans can breathe a sigh of relief knowing they'll never have to call Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt, mommy & daddy