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Wearing sunglasses indoors is another way of saying "We both know I'm on drugs. Let's not make a big deal out of it."
It's 2011 and our toilets don't glow in the dark.
2-in-1 Shampoo & Conditioner is the Double Penetration of Personal Hygiene Products.
Zombies walk like they just stepped in dog poop.
A major downside to living in a nudist colony is that no one
is willing to cook the bacon.
I wonder how many bulls have been shot in the eye.
All children should speak with a British accent and all cursing should be done with an Australian accent.
Experiment: In conversation replace the word "Mostly" with "Moistly."
Sunny D tastes like Boiled Orange Juice and Sore Throat.
"Would you like thighs with that?" - Cashier at a prosthetics store.
"I'm knee-deep in Debussy." - Classical Music Student
"Let's Talk About The Elephant In The Womb." - Zoo Ultrasound Technician
"What would it look and taste like if Santa Claus took a dump?" - The Inventor of Fruit Cake
I'm going to breed a Dachshund with an Italian Greyhound... call it an Italian Sausage.
Promise Rings = Gold digger duct tape.
When someone says "I think I'd be a good actor." what they're really saying is "I lie a lot and get away with it."
New name for Tortillas: Mexi Pads
Tired? There's a nap for that.
My mother watches Hoarders the way I watch Cribs.
I don't like to go to expensive restaurants alone because I don't want to feel pressured into putting out when I get home.