Wearing sunglasses indoors is another way of saying "We both know I'm on drugs. Let's not make a big deal out of it."

It's 2011 and our toilets don't glow in the dark.

2-in-1 Shampoo & Conditioner is the Double Penetration of Personal Hygiene Products.

Zombies walk like they just stepped in dog poop.

A major downside to living in a nudist colony is that no one
is willing to cook the bacon.

I wonder how many bulls have been shot in the eye.

All children should speak with a British accent and all cursing should be done with an Australian accent.

Experiment: In conversation replace the word "Mostly" with "Moistly."

Sunny D tastes like Boiled Orange Juice and Sore Throat.

"Would you like thighs with that?" - Cashier at a prosthetics store.

"I'm knee-deep in Debussy." - Classical Music Student

"Let's Talk About The Elephant In The Womb." - Zoo Ultrasound Technician

"What would it look and taste like if Santa Claus took a dump?" - The Inventor of Fruit Cake

I'm going to breed a Dachshund with an Italian Greyhound... call it an Italian Sausage.

Promise Rings = Gold digger duct tape.

When someone says "I think I'd be a good actor." what they're really saying is "I lie a lot and get away with it."

New name for Tortillas: Mexi Pads

Tired? There's a nap for that.

My mother watches Hoarders the way I watch Cribs.

I don't like to go to expensive restaurants alone because I don't want to feel pressured into putting out when I get home.