I'm so hungry a horse could eat me.

If this FUCKING ASSHOLE kid kicks the back of my chair ONE MORE FUCKING time I swear I'll firmly ask his mother to make him stop!

I've been inside this bank so long, I just saw evolution take place in front of my eyes.

I refuse to pay that much for heels that aren't even called Jimmy Shoes

You think Applebees fucked up? I asked for skittles at walmart and they have me an eight ball.

My breakfast consisted of crying in the shower.

I pooped what felt like a sea urchin, but when I looked it was more of a great white shart.

I'll dance with you, just don't laugh when I get a boner.

Sometimes I let my pubes grow real long then I dance to disco music.

I often times defecate and laugh just for shits and giggles.

Why do you adults wake up so early? Do your unfulfilled aspirations and crushed dreams make you restless?

I can pee without touching my weewee.

Druñk off sangría and rum and all of you're tweets make me fart a little.

I just ate so much pasta James Gandolfini was like, "Look at this guy, are you fucking kidding me!?"

Doing some research of my next business venture, and guess what! There are no A/C repair shops anywhere near the North Pole!

Eating beets and pooping is the closest I'll get to having a period. :(

You're going to have to speak up, I just used a Tampax as a Q-tip.

I'm laying in bed trying to put off taking a shower for as long possible,because after I shower my day officially starts.

If I had a dollar for every time I bite my nails, I would have no nails.

I'm starting a band called Rock Band, so I can say "Yea I play guitar in Rock Band" and people would be like "Faggit" and then I'll shred.