Homeless people must hate it when you recycle a perfectly good guest bedroom.

My shopping list just says “Don’t run into anybody with your cart while looking at your phone.”

Man, Chevy Chase has really let himself go.  http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/homereporternews.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/f/05/f05bc66c-ec83-11e1-8ba0-0019bb2963f4/50351f9457de8.image.jpg …

Getting haunted by the ghost of George Plimpton would probably be the worst fate ever.

God, I always think of a good comeback AFTER I leave the senior center.

@shariv67 No Fuchs were given on that day or any other. The end.

“I’m worried about the moon Harold. It’s so thin.”
“It’ll be fine Margaret, it’s just a phase.”

It’s hard to have pride in yourself when the glove compartment of your ‘88 Cutlass is full of Carls’ Jr. coupons.

This one’s for all the ladies! *throws gift boxes of lotion to the sharks.

FYi: All the people who starred my Jew$ tweet have been reported to the Department of Homeland Security as Anti-Semites.

I would like to see an Asian man yelling at his wife forever.

Just realized I am one restraining order away from getting on Maury.

You can’t help but feel cheated when you realize 10% of every jail charge goes to Ray Lewis

I wonder if there were any cowboys who were all, “You know what, I’m going to sit down.” And the cows were like, “Yeah, that’s cool.”

Thanks to porn, I can’t have sex anymore without thinking someone’s going to burst in yelling, “No, no, no! You’re doing it all wrong!”

JEW$: It just makes cents.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, because we don’t throw out water. That’s wasteful and we have drains for that now.

If you know a creditor is calling, answer the phone with “Oh my god, I was just thinking about you! I have cancer.” Works every time.

Ever hear one of those weird cats that sound like Nancy Kerrigan after she got piped?

My worst nightmare is having a fire at my apartment complex because I’d probably be forced to talk to my neighbors.