Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Homeless people must hate it when you recycle a perfectly good guest bedroom.
My shopping list just says “Don’t run into anybody with your cart while looking at your phone.”
Man, Chevy Chase has really let himself go. http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/homereporternews.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/f/05/f05bc66c-ec83-11e1-8ba0-0019bb2963f4/50351f9457de8.image.jpg …
Getting haunted by the ghost of George Plimpton would probably be the worst fate ever.
God, I always think of a good comeback AFTER I leave the senior center.
“I’m worried about the moon Harold. It’s so thin.”
“It’ll be fine Margaret, it’s just a phase.”
It’s hard to have pride in yourself when the glove compartment of your ‘88 Cutlass is full of Carls’ Jr. coupons.
This one’s for all the ladies! *throws gift boxes of lotion to the sharks.
FYi: All the people who starred my Jew$ tweet have been reported to the Department of Homeland Security as Anti-Semites.
I would like to see an Asian man yelling at his wife forever.
Just realized I am one restraining order away from getting on Maury.
You can’t help but feel cheated when you realize 10% of every jail charge goes to Ray Lewis
I wonder if there were any cowboys who were all, “You know what, I’m going to sit down.” And the cows were like, “Yeah, that’s cool.”
Thanks to porn, I can’t have sex anymore without thinking someone’s going to burst in yelling, “No, no, no! You’re doing it all wrong!”
JEW$: It just makes cents.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, because we don’t throw out water. That’s wasteful and we have drains for that now.
If you know a creditor is calling, answer the phone with “Oh my god, I was just thinking about you! I have cancer.” Works every time.
Ever hear one of those weird cats that sound like Nancy Kerrigan after she got piped?
My worst nightmare is having a fire at my apartment complex because I’d probably be forced to talk to my neighbors.