I was going to water the lawn, but I decided to read a short story first. #ProseBeforeHose

DJ Jesus died for your spins.

"Cotchery" is trending. What's that? It sounds dirty, I think I'll make up my own definition.

Have you ever heard about the masturbator who gave himself HIV? No? Exactly. Leave me alone.

Bad metaphors are like asparagus.

"I'm not sleeping, I'm just Asian." #TheThingsIOverhear

Texted a buddy to see if he wanted to watch Tron with me. Thanks to autocorrect, he thinks he's coming over to watch porn. #AwkwardTexts

Last Oprah.
"YOU get an island! YOU get an island! Everybody gets an island!"

Anyone who's Claritin clear has obviously never looked at themself in a mirror after taking a hot shower.

Why do people who like NASCAR also like beer? You've gotta be drunk to watch cars drive on an oval for hours on end.

Admiral Ackbar probably got caught up in the Trapture today.

I see an empty car on the street.
OMG! The Rapture DID happen!


Oh wait. I parked there.
Never mind.

So Osama Bin Laden was killed in Abattobad, Pakistan... Talk Abattobad place to hide... #ThisJokeWasStolenFromAFriend

#replaceawordinastarwarslinewithpants - "No! Alderaan is peaceful! We have no pants! You can't possibly..."

I'm still confused how people that find Jesus so hard to believe in are totally sold with the concept of a giant egg-laying rabbit...

The leaderboard must be broken. It's been overrun with cutesy teen quotes n crap. Excuse me while I throw up.

The evolution on Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom): http://tumblr.com/xlf3pz2cf9

It's a shame that we lost so many exotic bird species when the dinosaurs died out. Namely the Flying Fuck.

The four-year-old's response to "Don't drink and drive.": "Why not? It's easy. You just use a straw!" Touché, small child. Touché.

"We're being sucked into a black hole. I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation." #ThingsIWishIHadTheChanceToSay