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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that's definitely the best choice.
Don't carry all your eggs in one basket! More importantly, why the fuck are you carrying eggs in a basket? What is this the 1860's?
YOLAUAOTUYAEATTCPOR (You Only Live an Unlimited Amount of Times Until You Attain Enlightenment and Transcend The Cyclic Process of Rebirth)
I'd love to stay and chat but I have to go this chick's yard because she's got a milkshake.
Should I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day isn't a dirty whore.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident. The 5th is high on his nitrous oxide and recommends Big Leauge Chew.
Life is like a box of vintage amputee fetish porn you find in the attic, very disturbing.
Physics jokes aren't funny. Or maybe you just have to be there for them. And simultaneously not be there.
I had a really good tweet but forgot it, so please fave and RT this one a bunch instead.
Whenever I see a cat with really obvious super powers I'm always like- "what the fuck? that cat has super powers!"
Just saw a poster in guidance office reading 'Nobody understands me' with a disconsolate tiger gazing upward. I feel ya, tiger. I feel ya.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a pretty big word for a six year old.
Hey ladies, I'm a level 19 wood elf on Skyrim skilled in archery and magic. #workseverytime
Told my little brother that 'cunt' means bigfoot.
No other joke here, that is funny enough.
A monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger... a Man on the Move, and just sick enough to be totally confident.
