A Parisian whore, found dead in the home of a wealthy aristocrat, surrounded by croissants. "Hercule Poirot and the #GentlemansBreakfast"

@stevehuff "Jesus Is Fond Of Me, Or At Least Tolerates Me With A Smile, Of This I Am Mostly Certain" #rejectedhymns

@hemightbejason I set a goal of 1000 followers and now I'm at 26! Just like the number of years of my youth that I wasted! #sadness

@hemightbejason Your constant TwitterShame™ is like a lighthouse on a stormy night. Keep it up.

Yes sir, I understand it's hard to eat a salad unless I bring you 24 oz of ranch for every oz of vegetables. I get it. Hold on. #restaurant

Having one of those self loathing days where I just want to go hang out with Ann Coulter.

@stevehuff Any tips on how to remove Tang™ and/or semen from orange shag carpet? #1970sTweets

Just did a 5K in 31 minutes. For my next trick, I'll drink 3.1 vodka drinks in under an hour. #Balance

I had a guest at work tonight ask me if the cook took a shit on his steak. Real talk. Seriously concerned about shit/steak ratio. #Kony2012

I've decided to start the Twitter again, at least for a moment. Perhaps literally just a moment. Like this is my last tweet ever. Don't cry.

@anxietyfarm Forgetting Hemingway's "For Whom the Manure Truck Rolls".

I watch #TheRealHousewivesOfAtlanta. I say this to you with no shame our inner cringe. I am a man and I love these dysfunctional bitches.

"Hey, guy that makes $3.25 an hour, mind if I tip you 9% and then just chill for a bit? You know, just to take the edge off?" #GetTheFuckOut

All this time I thought they were saying "Kitty Porn"! Anyone wanna buy three Siamese and some (gently used) cat-sized ball gags?

@behindyourback @rileyroxme Ladies, your two avis keep showing up together in my timeline. It's like death by smoldering eyes.

@hemightbejason I can't fucking stand Debbie.

@hemightbejason Anytime a guest at work says that they improve the chances of their "sall-mann" being "licked" by over 75%. #restauRANT

@hemightbejason The secret ingredient is human blood. #Shhhhh

@stevehuff If there is any way on God's Earth that this is true then I wish I could shake your father's hand. That's awesome.

I think nudes of all the Golden Girls could be the next big sensation overseas. They could also all have special powers. #gottacatchemall