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She smiled like a novelization, but kissed like a fan fiction. #noirfiction
I have some bad news. 1) Cyber Monday isn't a sex thing and 2) the decorations I put up in the office are apparently "grounds for dismissal"
The bullet slammed into me like a bullet slamming into a guy who describes how bullets slam into things. #noirfiction
There is a dude on this bus straight up wearing a wizard cloak and no pants. #omensandportents
She had the eyes of a tiger that was just stripping to put itself through tiger med school. #noirfiction
The 7th ave MAX stop is a joke and we all know it.
Assembling this Ikea bed has become indistinguishable from hate sex with a wooden gymnast.
We live in a world where we could make all handicap doors make the Star Trek woosh, but don't.
I have the following wikipedia tabs open: When Doves Cry, Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast, Tooth and Claw (novel). I am prepared to sell them.
Just had an actual plumber climb on my bed to "get at a hard to reach valve". I guess I owe some adult film writers an apology.
If I am reading a book in public there is a 98% chance I want to be reading that book and not talking to strange people.
And I am a man who has touched a boob, friends.
Phone, you not knowing how to spell 'tequila' is going to be a problem.
Streer kids doing brisk trade in used transfers on the back of this bus. #commerce #smallbusiness
Writer, redshirt, man about town. Digital Content Czar for @livewireradio. Freelancer for @portlandmercury. Guy for #TrekinthePark