She smiled like a novelization, but kissed like a fan fiction. #noirfiction

I have some bad news. 1) Cyber Monday isn't a sex thing and 2) the decorations I put up in the office are apparently "grounds for dismissal"

The bullet slammed into me like a bullet slamming into a guy who describes how bullets slam into things. #noirfiction

@malki "I'M SURE HE'S A NICE GUY IN PRIVATE BUT WE SIMPLY CANNOT AFFORD FOR EVERYONE TO BECOME A GOBLIN."

There is a dude on this bus straight up wearing a wizard cloak and no pants. #omensandportents

She had the eyes of a tiger that was just stripping to put itself through tiger med school. #noirfiction

The 7th ave MAX stop is a joke and we all know it.

Hey everybody! It's my Merc column on @delilahdirk! http://t.co/dQ995kG0

Assembling this Ikea bed has become indistinguishable from hate sex with a wooden gymnast.

We live in a world where we could make all handicap doors make the Star Trek woosh, but don't.

I have the following wikipedia tabs open: When Doves Cry, Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast, Tooth and Claw (novel). I am prepared to sell them.

Just had an actual plumber climb on my bed to "get at a hard to reach valve". I guess I owe some adult film writers an apology.

@eehouls Sext Pixels.

@ryanqnorth There's the occasional WiFi eel, but you should see what they charge per minute.

@wisenheimer FYI: The plural noun for Republicans in a vagina is a confusion, e.g. "There were a confusion of Republicans in my vagina."

If I am reading a book in public there is a 98% chance I want to be reading that book and not talking to strange people.

And I am a man who has touched a boob, friends.

Phone, you not knowing how to spell 'tequila' is going to be a problem.

Comics News You May Be Able to Use 1: My piece on @jeffparker & @erikamoen's Bucko is live at Blogtown: http://t.co/NommUr7b

Streer kids doing brisk trade in used transfers on the back of this bus. #commerce #smallbusiness