@ohduarte that's what "cool" looks like in South Dakota or else they're in Ed Hardy.

@ohduarte Mike loves Devo and living with everyone else who works at the record store.

@ohduarte 1) Step up to listening station. 2) Purchase employee Mike's favorite CD. 3) Regret.

No, I'm not a hipster. I just have bad taste in music.

@christhayersays cool it bro u got the gravy sweats!

diary of a mad black hoe ass nigga

feeling so blue today my nipples are pointing down

Hey everyone. Is anyone looking for a lawnmower or a deep tissue massage? I know a guy.

.@gailsimone Or flew around in TIGHT Fighters!

I read that coffee is the #1 appealing smell to people, so slapped some on my pulse points and private area.

@ohduarte And not even talented kids either.

When my girlfriend asks for something, but does not combine her request with a blowjob I assume she doesn't really want it.

just saw a mini cooper with a bumper sticker that said “blogger on board.” i kinda figured, dude

Hoping to raise 5 million dollars in order to destroy Zach Braff's movie.

Elementary school children from all over Seattle got to paint murals on the city's bus stops and they look like shit.

I'm not a player. I just get crushed a lot.

Increase in payroll taxes blamed for retail sales being down. Silly economists...sales are really down cause people are on Twitter all day.

@ohduarte and you eating toast and lookin at her

@ohduarte and into your car?

#ff @ispypanda because how could you not follow a brilliantly witty panda around... Do it now! I'll wait here till you're all done. Good...