I'm really scared that when the Zombie Apocalypse happens our perception that those fucks can't run is going to be wrong.

My mom didn't give birth to me I escaped out of that hell hole.

Glasses are like wheelchairs for your eyes.

Loving a man in a uniform? Matters which one because I'm usually running away from those fuckers.

I need a car. Hiding in people's trunks and hoping they're going to Wal-Mart isn't working out for me.

Charging my phone three minutes before heading out the door DOES make a difference so fuck you.

I feel that we treat twitter as a 24/7 AA meeting..without the whole "I want to quit" thing going on.

My greatest conversations have been with myself.

Asking me to share my snacks is going to be a striaght up "Heeeell, no"

Me: I'm sleepy Brain: Bedtime? Okay, but first let's think about a bunch of bullshit that doesn't matter. No? We're going to anyway.

I'm one of those assholes who gets annoyed when a bootleg isn't in HD.

I'm tired as your mother's vibrator at the moment.

Telling me your growling dog doesn't bite isn't very reassuring.

When people spill wine, I feel it deep in my soul. Even if they're miles away...I feel it.

Old people eating alone at family restaurants is my Sarah McLachlan video.

I just googled "hot men with beards". Because this is where my life is at right now. Fuck you.

Computer: restart me motherfucker. Me: NEVER.

I'm pretty sure I was up this morning before Jehovah's witnesses even began assorting their 1st Step To Being Saved pamphlets.

I think there are a few undercover racists following me O__o. I'm black, and if you're intimidated by my big dick unfollow me now please.

Shake it but don't break it. It took your momma nine months to make it.