If at first you don't succeed, change your priorities, pretend you never wanted it in the first place and delete all related tweets. La la.

I was gonna say something philosophical about meaningful stuff but then I remembered I have cake. Philosophy is for the cakeless.

It's not really a subtweet if the asshole doesn't follow you or isn't on twitter, right? Then it's just a drunken under 140 mini rant.

I was sure I was only doing the Thriller dance in my head until I saw the look on the pharmacist's face. Um. More Xanax please, sir.

To the assholes who follow, then unfollow once they've got their follow back? Fuck you, your numbers, your ancestors & your offspring.

It's getting harder and harder to tell the schizophrenics from the bluetooth users.

Mom says I'll regret getting Brazilian waxes because it all falls out when you get old anyway. I regret the visual from her telling me this.

It's an uncomfortable feeling when you find out your family tree doesn't fork as much as it should. I'm buying banjos for two of my cousins.

I wonder if older cats brag to younger cats about the good old days when they used to be able to sleep on top of TVs.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. It's the last one. Start drinking.

That one phone call you get when you're arrested should be amended to one phone call, one tweet, one text and one status update.

If Mary loved that little lamb so much, why didn't she name it? Tell the truth. She ate it, didn't she? My inner child is sucking her thumb.

If it wasn't for Twitter, I think most of us would be talking to a volleyball named Wilson and randomly setting FedEx packages on fire.

Why do people need to know birth details when a new baby arrives? The fucker was too big for the hole but came through anyway. End of.

The cat has me on a terrorist watch list. All I did was pull out the vacuum cleaner. Pussy.

I bet ants think we're gods and pray to us for stuff. The ones currently residing in ant farms think they've been abducted.

Kegels work. My gynecologist turned away for a sec & I shot that speculum across the room so hard it stuck in the wall. He has a helmet now.

I spent an extra hour at the gym because I was having fun watching the self-tanner addict sweat her towel orange. It's the little things.

It's a good idea to learn CPR before the apocalypse, but you should know there's no more blowing, just pumping. The romance is gone. Sorry.

Roommate's mad at me because I told her to shave before she left to get her passport photo taken. I was just trying to help.