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There is no such thing as a runner's high. It's the relief of not dying.
My doctor told me that I had bronchitis & I imagined @ohnoshetwitnt saying "Bronchitis before honchitis" & then LOLing & high fiving herself
I've lived with sensitive women for so long that I don't even feel comfortable calling my salsa chunky anymore.
Don't be silly. I don't think every subtweet is about me; only the negative ones.
It's raining in LA. I think the city is crying because @ohnoshetwitnt has to leave :(
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
My instinct is to call men I don't know "sir," women I don't know "ma'am," and kids I don't know "you little shit."
So @ohnoshetwitnt is coming to Jersey this weekend!!! https://vine.co/v/bPUB3i2qUig
Negra Modelo is my favorite beer that sounds like my dad describing Tyra Banks to a Mexican.
If you can't handle me at my worst then it looks like we have something in common.
Is it "de-friend" or "un-friend"? Anyhoo, so I just murdered this casual acquaintance...
I won't let my failure to win a Pulitzer yesterday change me. If anything, it will invigorate me to continue failing at things.
Roofies, but for your family so they sleep late and you can have a nice morning.
I do shut-up comedy. (I write jokes on Twitter and avoid real life conversation) My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.