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I can't start watching a new show on Netflix until I finish the one I'm already watching at least three times.
I only use the term "friend-zoned" when I'm talking about cats who don't let me pet them.
Going out to dinner tonight with a friend I didn't meet on Twitter. Yes, I really have one of those.
Not sure who the fuck this "dry clean only" shirt thinks it's dealing with.
It's been kind of a rough day at work.
Jews only name babies after the deceased so I'm going to call my future daughters Hopes and Dreams.
What idiot decided to call it a staple gun instead of an Elliot Stapler?
My cat liked her dinner so much she just retweeted it onto the rug.
If Twitter has taught me anything it's that I'm very approachable if you're a stranger who hates my opinions.
Oh I thought you said the World Siri. No I don't want to watch your stupid sports show.
Serious question about the movie Anaconda: If it don't want none unless you got buns hun then why is J-Lo one of the only survivors?
BUT HOW DO I GET VALIDATION IN MY SLEEP I CANT TWEET *brings both cats into bed*
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.