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So embarrassed. I thought today was Friday so instead of saying "see you tomorrow" I just told my coworkers to fuck off and die.
I only read Playboy for the articles... That mention me. http://www.playboy.com/articles/the-50-funniest-women-on-twitter-ranked …
Someone just told me my tweets are "polarizing" and now I can't stop imagining baby penguins and arctic foxes reading my timeline.
Wanton disregard sounds delicious.
Not accusing the Tyrell family of anything illegal, just saying that Highgarden sounds like a good place to cop some herb.
"This isn't my first rodeo." -someone who frequents rodeos for some reason
[slams finger in file cabinet] Ow!
"Take it like a man."
Ok. [complains about it more due to a lower threshold of pain]
Everyone seems to think their newborn is the cutest ever so why not hold a baby hunger games to decide once and for all?
Pretty fucking ridiculous that I can't wear one of my Batman shirts to work. Who's more dedicated to his job than Batman?
More like Lost Direction.
It's cute when strangers insult me online as if I don't have people to do that in person.
I love when I tweet about my job and people reply "why don't you quit?" because I didn't realize how many of you were independently wealthy.
Nobody born in 1993 deserves an "early life" section on Wikipedia.
Fuck every single one of you who made me Google "Zayn" just now.
"Furious 7" sounds like a reboot of Snow White in which the dwarves have to rescue her from a terrorist and are all played by Liam Neeson.
Sorry that when you asked me to say a few words at your wedding I did a roast of your entire family.
"Password must contain 7-10 characters..."
George R. R. Martin: Fuck.
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.
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