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Guy who doesn't follow you on Twitter has requested to follow you on Instagram. "I don't think you're funny but maybe you might be hot."
Keep replying with pictures of spiders like I won't block every single one of you.
Shoutout to the mosquito who just bit my ass through my shorts like he was mad I friendzoned him.
I love when my GPS is all "head east" like I'm Galileo or some shit.
"It's just a wolf spider." -guy trying to make me less terrified of a spider by adding the name of a wild carnivorous dog to it
In the Westeros justice system, sexually based offenses aren't taken very seriously but traitors typically get beheaded. Law & Order: GoT
Swans are vicious. Glad the nice, ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful piece of shit.
Edgar Allan Poe was short for Edgar Allan Pokémon. That "raven" was actually a Nevermore so that's why it kept saying only that.
Amazing how stuff you thought was valuable yesterday becomes garbage-worthy on moving day.
I want a Princess Aurora in the sheets and a Princess Ariel in the, what's that word again? Streeeeeets.
When Hasidim have premarital sex it's called "Sippin' on sin and Jews." It's early nobody is reading this.
Shoutout to Theon for continuing to be a useless piece of shit. Keepin' it status quo.
Where's your resting bitch face now, Cersei?
House Stark's sigil may be a direwolf but Jon Snow is a fox.
Ramsay hasn't even been on screen yet and I'm already swearing loudly at the television.
This tweet and all of my tweets are thoroughly fact-checked and 100% true.
Sure the GOP presidential candidates have pictures with Josh Duggar but we let Cheney in the White House and he posted selfies with Hitler.
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy. Valar morghulis.
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