Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Never bring a verified Twitter account check mark to a gun fight.
I bet Kanye hates compasses.
The upside to being this pale is that I always look too sick to be at work so I never have to fake cough.
Playing a version of the Hunger Games where I don't eat this bagel because I want my jeans to fit.
If you're thinking about naming your daughter Katniss maybe consider naming her something else or sterilization.
It's important to be knowledgable of other religions because I know I'd be pissed if someone assumed I was Christian just because I'm white.
My cab driver was impressed that I knew the difference between Muslims and Hindus which was both heartwarming and heartbreaking.
I'm jealous of cabbies because they have enough friends to constantly be on the phone. My entire call log just says "Mom."
I'm sick today shower me with praise
Guess which ones of my tweets are jokes and which ones are serious. Winner probably saves the world or something.
Having my best friend sleep over on a weeknight because I'm 31 fucking years old and I do what I want and also I'm lonely.
The weekend is just a cocktease.
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.