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Just read that Twitter went down today. Yes. I read it. I didn't notice it. I was busy at work. I've never been more disgusted with myself.
Michele Bachmann only feels bullied by homosexuals because "homosexuals" is way too big of a word for her to spell.
If Justin Bieber's name shows up in my timeline again I'm carding everyone I follow.
Sorry your girlfriend started following me and likes my tweets better than yours.
Every white man between age 35 and 55 named Don is an IT guy at a company I've worked at.
If this training instructor wants me to stop giggling and talking to my neighbor he should stop pronouncing "penalized" with a long E.
Thanks to all 37 people who sent me the link to that crazy pastor who says watching Frozen turns kids gay. Sadly it didn't work on me...yet.
I feel that "asshole of the day" should be replaced with "cunt of the century" for Ann Coulter but RT @assholeofday: http://assholeoftheday.us/post/79272822998/is-ann-coulter-asshole-of-the-day-again …
Oh you guys leave out cookies and milk for a fat jolly guy on Christmas? On Passover we leave out booze for a ghost. Jews 2 : Christians 0.
On Easter Christians hide candy eggs. On Passover we put blood on our doorsteps to deter the angel of death. Jews are metal as fuck.
The girl that I'm training all day keeps looking down at her phone when I'm explaining things to her. This might actually work out.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't force its Dothraki rider to cross the Narrow Sea.
Coworker just referred to "those big Jewish crackers" and I was like hey I'm very sensitive about my weight and complexio-oh you mean matzah
Men tell me I drive like an old lady but, you know, a GILF.
Baby, are you my goal weight cause I am never gonna hit that
I own pj pants with pictures of chairs on them because I'm super committed to sloth.
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.