Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
JDate but for finding a nice Jewish boy for my Zionist dad to rant about Israel with.
All the shame I felt as a kid when my piano teacher told me I had tiny hands just came flooding back when I held my coworker's iPhone 6 Plus
You're never more than 3 feet away from a spider which is why I'm never more than 3 seconds away from a panic attack.
The sign by the elevator in my office says "in case of fire use stairs" and I'm like good advice but I think I'll stick with water.
Hello, HR? I'd like to report a hostile work environment. Yes, my coworker cheerfully wished me a "Happy Monday" when I arrived today.
Generally I'm low-maintenance but I am the princess and the fucking pea when it comes to sleeping.
I'm not a violent person but I would like to pistol-whip whoever came up with the word "phablet."
Just saw a man wearing a shirt that said NFL. I don't know much about football but I still felt that was a bit vague.
I like birds. Tell me how to kill 2 spiders with one stone then we'll talk.
Stopped referring to football as Game of Throwns because at this point I can't figure out which player is Joffrey.
I complain about all the pumpkin spice jokes but what annoys me most about this season are events called "spooktacular."
Shoutout to the chef on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives who just asked Guy Fieri what his natural hair color is. You are an American hero.
The first rule of Insomnia Club is tweet a bunch of garbage before anyone wakes up, then delete it, then never talk about it.
"Hillary Is The New Barack" has a nice ring to it.
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.