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"Transgender people shouldn't be in the military." - old men who would've pretended to be transgender in order to avoid the draft
A Trump/Christie ticket would be like if the word ACTUALLY in all caps were running for president.
Aladdin: 🎶 I can show you the world 🎶 [shows Jasmine 2016]
Jasmine: [asks tiger to kill her]
Saying Hillary isn't qualified to be president when you support Donald Trump just tells me that you think "qualified" means having a dick.
[stranger replies to my joke telling me I'm wrong with a link to a YouTube video as proof]
Ah yes, I am definitely going to watch this.
Madison Square Garden sounds like it could be the name of a millennial's daughter.
Friend: These are my kids, Madison, Jayden, and Emma.
Me: [trying to one-up her] These are my cats, Crystal Pepsi, Brexit, and Tea Lizard.
Childhood: I don't want to nap because being awake is fun!
Adulthood: I don't want to nap because it'll make me sleep less tonight.
Sorry, but I'm not comfortable with my child sharing a bathroom with anyone upset about Miss Teen USA eliminating its swimsuit competition.
If the new Ghostbusters movie upset you, you're going to hate the all-female reboot of the Supreme Court I'm pitching.
J.K. Rowling revealed more info about the American Hogwarts. Unlike the European version, it has metal detectors and more than one fat kid.
I imagine Heterosexual Pride Day was invented by the same person who invented Boss's Day.
"Hillary is not qualified to be president." - Men who congratulate other men for "knocking up" their wives like it's an accomplishment.
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy.
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