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Reply to my text with one word if you want me to assume we're in a huge fight.
Me too, lady frantically eating a burrito at this stoplight. Me too.
Happy fatherless day to all you bastards out there like myself
I'm not a parent but I do know you're supposed to duct tape oven mitts on a kid's hands to keep him from removing the ones on his feet.
Rollercoaster grind your grandmas kitchen table at her 81st birthday party
life is basically u try to adjust the driver's seat in your car for a few years and then u die
Merica. Rise and grind, it's nasty time.
Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.
i feel sorry for those kids with the same birthday as hitler. half the presents
*walks into a library*
YO! WHERE ARE THE BOOKS ABOUT TITTIES!?
"Sir! This is a library!"
Where are the books about titties?
Americans are basically walking jars of peanut butter disguised as humans.
This is the Sistine Chapel? Bullshit! Thought this was the Sisqo Chapel! Brought a boombox so we can pray to the Thong Song! I'm outta here!
Instead of putting lights under my car to look cool I drive one of those sneakers toddlers wear with the blinking lights in em.
is it illegal to pregame before a baby shower
Some sissy called me a homosapien. Ripped off my beater, slapped my bicep and yelled,"This queer? I'm all man. Gals crave my touch. Merica."
Don't even bother hitting on me until you have a job at Subway
“Seizure the day.” - old people
My fucking name is Jay and that's why I called my repair service 'Handy Js". I'm not coming over there to jack your dick for $50!