Reply to my text with one word if you want me to assume we're in a huge fight.

Me too, lady frantically eating a burrito at this stoplight. Me too.

Happy fatherless day to all you bastards out there like myself

I'm not a parent but I do know you're supposed to duct tape oven mitts on a kid's hands to keep him from removing the ones on his feet.

We finally ran into someone crazier than us. Amanda Bynes just invited us to a midget toss. #holidaywithBiden

Rollercoaster grind your grandmas kitchen table at her 81st birthday party

life is basically u try to adjust the driver's seat in your car for a few years and then u die

Merica. Rise and grind, it's nasty time.

Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

i feel sorry for those kids with the same birthday as hitler. half the presents

*walks into a library*
YO! WHERE ARE THE BOOKS ABOUT TITTIES!?
"Sir! This is a library!"
Oh.
*whispers*
Where are the books about titties?

Americans are basically walking jars of peanut butter disguised as humans.

soapsuds

This is the Sistine Chapel? Bullshit! Thought this was the Sisqo Chapel! Brought a boombox so we can pray to the Thong Song! I'm outta here!

Instead of putting lights under my car to look cool I drive one of those sneakers toddlers wear with the blinking lights in em.

is it illegal to pregame before a baby shower

Some sissy called me a homosapien. Ripped off my beater, slapped my bicep and yelled,"This queer? I'm all man. Gals crave my touch. Merica."

Don't even bother hitting on me until you have a job at Subway

“Seizure the day.” - old people

My fucking name is Jay and that's why I called my repair service 'Handy Js". I'm not coming over there to jack your dick for $50!