When I'm having a bad day, I like to think of Prince William, Prince and will.i.am introducing themselves to each other.

Theres no 'u' in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.

You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.

Im not a lawyer, but Im pretty sure 'He started it,' is a legit defense.

NEW RULE: If you stare at my boobs when you talk to me. Then I *squint* at your crotch.

Its been a business doing pleasure with you.

I bet swallows are the most popular of birds in the bird world.

When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

I said amazeballs and cray cray in the same sentence.

And that's how I died.

Never trust anyone who says ' Im not supposed to tell anyone but....'

I feel like you're not even trying to be psychic when I say 'I'M FINE!'

For a good time call someone else.

The world is your oyster.
Unfortunately you're allergic to shellfish.
I regret to inform you that you're dead inside.

'I'm not waiting til Wednesday. I'll hump whatever I want, whenever I want.' - My Dog

I like long walks on the beach..taken by other people..while I sit on the couch tweeting.

Hey dude, youre delivering me a fridge.
Is it really necessary to ask where I want it in the house?

Youre giving me the silent treatment as punishment?
Its like they arent even aware that I hate people.

Pitching my new show: '16 and pregnant,' but its about really old cats getting pregnant.

'I am wayyy to tired to lift this glass to my mouth'....(Dude that invented straws)