I'm trying to get my next book out. I think I need more Vaseline.

Awful day! My beard ran away with my lover.

I gave my chopsticks quite a scare tonight. I laid them next to the pencil sharpener.

I've never watched Hoarders. I can't find the tv.

RT @tothechest: "I knew we were in trouble when a couple of the guys sent up requests for KY." #ChileanMiners
~ Worse if they hadn't!

I just heard that Lady Gaga turned 24 today. How old is that in her species' years?

Last time I ate spinich I puked. Oh, Happy St Paddy's Day.

@jasonmustian So write something tragic and we'll laugh anyway!

I have a split personality. I always leave before the finale.

RT @jerrythomas: The platypus is the spork of the animal kingdom.

Barney googled and got goo goo googley eyes!

I contrived to put a pleasant look on my face, but ended up looking contrived.

@allyballybeal Yes, do feel better! Hope you're all bounced bak quickly.

Hopefully the King of Hearts! @mad_hatter_tea

#FF @mad_hatter_tea

@mad_hatter_tea The real identity of the Easter Bunny is the sitting rabbit one sees on the face of the rising full moon at this time.

RT @rfernandez666: They are hot RT“@thedldude: I always fall for the young thuggy ones and that shit never works out.”>Truth in advertising

My Ouija board just spelled : turnips

@nickadoola Saw one of your tweets on PIX11 here in NYC this evening. Congrats!

@mad_hatter_tea drinking tea is the closest to heaven we get to on earth!