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How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do?
All of them.
If I was gay, I'd never come out of the closet because I'd be too busy trying on every outfit possible.
I only refer to myself as an "amateur comedian" because it sounds better than "professional failure" or "disappointment to my entire family"
Naming your daughter "Ruth" is like putting an insurance policy on her vagina.
America is just Europe's fat, retarded kid.
I thought I saw Miley Cyrus but turned out it was just a wet mop next to an ashtray :(
Boys have swag, men have class, I have this weird rash and a coupon to Applebee's.
just asked a kitten for directions to the nearest sprinkle factory, in case you're wondering what LSD's like…
I hope "Bieber Fever" escalates to "Bieber Cancer"
I tried faking an orgasm once and I just ended up peeing on her stomach :(
Just dropped a frying pan on my cat and Universal tried signing me to their new Dubstep label…?
Are we human or are we Dancer or are we Prancer or are we Vixen or are we Comet or are we Cupid or are we Donner or are we Blitzen?
French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and wears berets.
Baths are just gay showers.
I'm just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her not to tell all her friends.
DON'T SIT HERE AND TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER PRETENDED TO SMOKE A PRETZEL
IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING???
good, then you're in the wealthiest 15% of the world and should share all your fancy refrigerated food!
It's ironic that garbage men are usually white trash.
Welcome to Applebee's how can I disappoint you?
Cute that some of you guys think I'm a "hipster", but I'd prefer a term less mainstream.
Amateur comedian, professional fartist. @OhhMikee is my gynecologist.