My math teacher made a joke, everyone laughed, I got a boner, I don't know what the fuck is going on.

My favorite part of church is that basket that goes around that you take money out of.

So you're saying people delete tweets that get 2-6 stars? If I get one with 4 I get it tattooed on my neck.

I don't steal tweets, not because I'm too good of a person, but because I'm a pussy and you guys scare the fuck out of me.

Gained a follower, lost a follower, masturbated. Still one up.

Will yolo pay my rent?

If this was Facebook I would post something like "Going to bed night guys!" but this is twitter so I'll just say "Wieners and cocaine."

You say tomato, I say I can't afford my car payment.

All my sex ed teacher did was give me a dildo and point a camera at me. I also took sex ed in my uncles basement.

Wooooo. 150 followers, half way to 1,000. Take that Mrs. Leonard! (My seventh grade math teacher who said I'd never go anywhere in life)

I'll follow you if you haven't fucked my girlfriend. That's why I don't follow many people.

Burger King put bacon in an ice cream sundae because a cure for cancer can wait.

"You into touching wieners, girl?" - Me, trying to get girls to touch my wiener.

There's no link between video game violence and real violence because I've killed hundreds of people in video games and only like 7 IRL.

Starting a podcast of me yelling at different species of insect.

NO YOU CRIED DURING THE LAST EPISODE OF ICARLY SHUT UP DAD

She fav'd the tweet, she wants the dick.

America: Where if it doesn't come with ketchup, well then god-damn-it we'll put some on it.

My dick has your name on it. No, really. It does. I woke up like that. I'm nervous.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Or so I've heard. I don't go outside much.