Would we be so quick to condemn acts of cruelty against animals if the acts were also fun palindromes? Tar a rat. Stab bats!

i like to think of baboons as nature's juggalos

3-5% of all cat ladies once tucked their cat under their shirt and pretended to give birth it.

*goes back in time w/ a blade & finds hitler* *shaves him & draws on a soul patch* *returns 2 future; the same guys still have soul patches*

Lars ulrich on his deathbed removes mask to reveal he is napster

don't you hate when you turn on the radio how it's almost never that monster mash song

baby, it's not you, and it's not me either. we're oil and water baby...i'm water and you're oil. what i'm trying to say is you're fat

I love winter because I don't have to see anyone's goddamn feet

I always want to be in a room with no one in it, yet there I always am, ruining it.

A fun game is to go to people's houses and pretend you've never seen a dog or cat before and point and scream WHAT'S THAT?! WHAT"S THAT?!!

my will specifies that my remains be preserved and wheeled on a skateboard to my therapist's office to continue our discussions on denial

BEST THING ABOUT HAVING NO POWER IS THERES NO LAYER OF LIVE MEDIA ACTING AS A PROTECTIVE BARRIER FROM THE SAVAGERY OF YOUR OWN MIND

Before you go wishing you were omniscient, bear in mind that you'd never laugh ever again.

not a day goes by that i don't think about how in other countries monkeys get into people's houses and fuck shit up

hey Wheat Thins, quit dicking around already and make Meat Thins

your body is your temple, unless you had gastric bypass, then it's your collapsed circus tent

bush FWDing dick cheney Loose Change, subject line "wow"

seeing the world through other people's eyes is the best way to go to jail for eye theft

fucked up that astronatus cant play hungry hungry hippos

Ironically, the leading Republican candidates are the best proof there is no God.