I retweet a lot, because all of those jackasses stole my ideas.

Screaming you have 200+ followers on twitter, at starbucks does not entitle you to a free soy espresso macchiato. Trust me.

Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it.
I'm currently waiting on further instructions.

Customer had been looking at a redbull can label for about 20 minutes before I walked over and whispered...I'm on xanax too.

Asked one of the employees at Lowes if this hack saw will cut through bone. They slowly walked away... I think they are calling 911 now.

I run 5 miles everyday in preparation for the zombie apocalypse.

Pregnant women suck at dodgeball.

The only thing I hate more than someone knocking on the door is having to put clothes on to answer it.

Every half mile, for 5 miles, I ran past a police car. Nice looking out boys, I'm wearing shorter shorts next time for sure.

Tripped a old lady when she walked off the train. She looked like she didn't think I would do it. She better recognize.

The only drug I need everyday is laughter.

I like to wear my police officer costume inside the house. If the cops kick down the door, I'm with them.

Still waiting to see a Dallas,Tx police officer on The Biggest Loser.

You're not completely worthless. You can always serve as a bad example.

Little red riding hood wore a hoodie.

Raising up the drawbridge, starving the piranhas. You know, in case the unlit porch light doesn't repel the trick 'o treaters.

A thankful heart is blessed everyday.


I just threw up writing this.

99.9999999% of all law enforcement officers give the rest a bad name.

Selling sarcasm under the table at my job.

There are those, who are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. Then, there are those, who are honest.