I would fuck the osteoporosis out of Julianne Moore.

"Cuomo’s Attack on Weiner? It’s Now Called a Joke"

anagrams to

'Tie slack-jawed loon, awaken erotic cunt moos.'

This is a fact: Weapons maker Falcon was here yesterday. Let one of our guys from rehab fire an AR15. He's an institutionalized addict felon

"Jerry Lewis Repeats His Distaste for Female Comics"

angrams to

''Weary jester perils. Cheesed off, alarmist stoicism.'

Oh Oscar! You were tweeting before there was even such a thing as Twitter. Wilde thing, you make my heart sing.

Probably best that dogs can't call 911--they'd probably call all the time, just to see if they had any food.

For Christmas I want to be Photoshopped into the picture at the end of The Shining (1980).

My Gmail avatar is about 7 years old. I'm thinking of enrolling it into piano lessons.

Tilda & I shall don our finest kilts tonite and go outside in the rain and wail. Then maybe get a sundae or something. We'll play it by ear.

I'm the Weird Al of speaking the Spanish Language

"Intervention" cancelled. The series knew something was up when A&E brought it to that Ramada suite for its final interview.

Jon Bon Jovi calls Bieber a-hole for being 2 hours late. Jon knows. He's seen a million faces and rocked them all. 1,000% on face-rocking.

Scientology is being sued for using donations to fund the opulent lifestyle of the church leaders. I guess it's a real religion after all.

Let's be friends. Like reeeeal friends, with cats and e-cigs and that Christian Music station you like so much on the TV. Oh, and eggs.

Nice legos there, son. Whatcha buildin'? *Son reveals lego letters spelling out "Dad can't fix my sad"*

Andry: Hey do you mind if I move this table so that I can lie on the ground and moan?

Barista: ICED TALL CARAMEL MACCHIATO FOR JEFF

Accidentally listened to a few seconds of The Eagles "Lyin' Eyes" and now I'm a hearty slice of day-old carrot cake.

In 6th grade I had a pretty teacher who would spank us with a paddle. Man, that was terrible, having to keep finding new ways to misbehave.

Hi. Just like the time I took Madonna to SixFlags and she ate a Nutella sandwich on the Bonzai Pipeline and they had to close the park down.

Tie me to an ultra-light helium container so that I can explore the sky.