Girl, is your ass 9/11? 'Cause I'll never forget it.

"There's that hot cashier. Ok, don't blow this..." *dumps 50 pudding packs onto counter* "I'm uh- I'm going to practice oral sex on these."

It's like my grandpappy used to say: "Time ain't but two possums hollerin', & gender is a false notion that subtly reinforces patriarchy."

Trolls beware- I'm all man. Plus about 30 pounds. 40 if I'm holding my cat, which I always am. Come at me.

Hey man, I call 'em like I see 'em: with a viewpoint incredibly jaundiced by decades of white privilege.

Say what you want about the Supreme Court, it has given uncles-into-their-3rd-beer material for their annual "why freedom is gone" speech.

Be the change you want to see in the world. *dies*

Schizophrenic man living above me has been yelling "potato salad" at passer-byes for 2 hours. I really want some now. Viral marketing, y'all

Sad that people who spend all their time with loved ones are going to be old someday & not have any cool tweets to look back on.

"C'mon girl, damn, already... give up the ghost." -bro doctor watching a terminal patient suffer.

Spilling white wine on your floor, then cleaning it off with dirty laundry is just the same as mopping. This has been home tips with Nick.

Flipped the table on my cat by waking him up via shoving my nude ass in his face- see how he likes it! (Backfired- he loved it)

#YouKnowYoureA2060sKidWhen You still remember sting of the pride-chip they inserted in you for turning in your loved ones for hoarding salt.

@jon_bois Once, the guys on my block even carried @iamspilly's groceries home, out of respect. They died of radiation poisoning days later.

*meets guy w/cement blocks tied to his ankles on bridge* "Your emotional baggage isn't heavy enough?!" *rolls eyes* *cannonballs into river*

@subtle_violence I have awful military-hair in this, but you know, bunnies. pic.twitter.com/C76OpDx6ny

"Humor is subjective, & not correlated to intelligence." -all of us at the inevitable eugenics trials when our tweets are read aloud. #OBAMA

On paper the sexiest Parks & Rec fanfic would be Leslie/Ann, but using the Tom/Ben angle, I- YES, DAD, THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN "UP TO LATELY"

@jevensteakobson It'd be cool if the Irony Zone were like a big ball pit disaffected quasi-adults could frolic in when they were feeling low

The Black Kias #GarageRock