When god closes a door, he slams it like an asshole.

The toothpaste just fell off of my brush before I could get it in my mouth so I think I know a thing or two about hardship.

Pixar & I have very different ideas of what toys do to each other when kids aren't around.

I don't know why everybody keeps bitching about Twitter's 140 character limit; Vince Vaughn's made an entire career out of just one.

I can't afford a country club membership so instead I just invite my black friends over and then don't let them in.

"It's not you, it's me." - Twins squabbling over childhood photos

ATTENTION KIDS: Don't mess around with drugs. Get serious about them and commit, like an adult.

Marrying your high school sweetheart is the most romantic way of telling the world that you're not the ambitious type.

Is 11 too early to start drinking or do you think by that age you generally have your shit together?

If daddy issues had a logo, it would be a picture of a chubby 32 year old girl with a dolphin tattoo and a Twilight t-shirt writing a blog.

Do you think bears are just homeless people who moved to the forest and evolved over time?

A friend of mine forced me to make a Facebook profile so now I use it exclusively for "Liking" photos of his wife.

I bet the first umbilical chord was cut in a panic.

He's a street-hardened cop with IBS. She's a psychic stand-up who helps solve crimes. Together, they're Shits n' Giggles, coming this fall.

When I make love, I always make a little extra just in case somebody drops by.

If life hands you marijuana, then be cool, man. Just be cool.

If you hold a seashell to your ear you can hear people laughing at you with your other ear.

I just buttered bread with a spoon instead of doing the dishes if anybody was looking to murder my mother with information.

It's creepy that the tooth fairy waits until you're asleep.

It's even creepier when he wakes you up by brushing your cheek with his beard.

I reek of weed. Better turn up my earphones so no one notices.