If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.

Things that work better than anti-depressants: sunshine, bright lipstick, seeing someone you don't like fall down hard, bubble gum, RTs.

In Hell, there is only the salsa-flavored water at the bottom of the jar and all the chips are broken into inedible, gum-shredding shards.

Why is Twitter the only place robots want to be my friend? :( :( :(

If you walk in and the room goes quiet and me and my stuffed animals turn to stare at you, we were talking about the weight you've gained.

When I "transitioned" from "punk" to "indie" in HS, it was literally a matter of taking off ripped pink fishnets and continuing to frown.

I wish there was an option to skip Valentine's Day and have Second Halloween. Better candy, better parties, better-looking people (masks).

What role, specifically, did Snoop Dogg play in the invention of Twizzlers?

The internet is where we all agree toddler beauty pageants are weird, then seconds later upload 400 photos of our cat in a boa.

Expounding upon the subtle differences between Goldfish and Cheez-Its is the closest some of us will ever come to being a wine snob.

Been waiting for Vanilla Ice to solve my problems since 1990.

Anything you can do, somebody's trained Cocker Spaniel can do better on YouTube.

Strange how we've morphed the definition of humanity from a biological grouping to an abstract concept synonymous with compassion. Very odd.

Attention those who sport a Soul Patch, but do not play soul music or possess a soul: From now on, it shall be referred to as a Shame Tuft.

When in doubt, keep your co-worker's head submerged just a little longer than you think may actually be necessary. If not for them, for you.

You can't just hold your breath until you get what you want unless what you want is a few seconds of sweet, quiet, solitary unconsciousness.

I would eat people meat, and I would not have to be starving to do it, either.

If I was a Care Bear, I'd be Potentially-Lethal Polar Bear, stained red with the blood of my enemies. JK, probs Funshine or the Irish one.

Ten of my uber-Christian co-workers have sent me the birth control recall article. As if I need confirmation they think I'm a sexy heathen.

Never begin a sentence, "Hey, remember when Garth Brooks..." because I won't remember. I'm not even sure who that is.