Off to the market, my sons seem to be insisting on eating again. I swear kids r like strays... feed them once & they just keep coming back.

Don't think of it as a Christmas wish list... think of it as a limited time offer for my silence.

No your virginity is not something you can re-gift....

The cat is not a squeak toy... now quit squeezing the little fur ball.

Every time the heat kicks on my cat sits on the vent. I guess that's as close to a blow job as a fixed house cat can get... poor little guy.

I have decided that I'm not gonna drink anymore.... of course I'm not gonna drink any less either.

I better stop by Starbucks too for a caffeine infusion ... it will help my search for my turkey perkiness today.

Unshaven legs & spending last 2 days curled up on the couch... I'm pretty sure I saw the cats checking me 4 a tail when I got in the shower.

wondering how long I can bang around empty pans while drinking wine before the family realizes I'm not actually cooking...

Objects in mirror may be smaller than they appear, is not something you want to read on the mirror over your bed... just sayin

Sons r dancin on my last nerve I have 2 choices beat em or drink... opening the wine but keeping staple gun & duct tape handy just in case

Did they give Dick Clark a spray tan to hide the fact that he is a talking corpse??

my family has drug me to the gates of hell.... oh wait its only Walmart

Dear dude in the white Toyota, it would be easier to pick ur nose if u took the mitten off first... just a thought.

There is still sooo much to be done... where are my damn elves

Me: You cannot shoot the cat in the ass with a rubber band. Son: Fine but if he turns I'm going for the nut shot.

Silly hubz ignoring clls & txts isnt gonna keep fight from happenin.... its only gonna give me time 2 sharpen my argument & knife collection

The boys are wrapping gifts in the other room and judging by the swearing & yelling, I think the wrapping paper and ribbons are winning.

Those fun sized candies are misleading... u have to eat more of them to get your chocolate fix & then your ass is anything but fun sized

I clean the entire house including vacuuming & the teen wonders never wake up. Timer goes off on the oven & they appear out of nowhere.